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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was pumping gas and decided to go in for a drink. I discovered that when it's cold, sometimes the gas doesn't stop pumping automatically and starts spewing out onto the sidewalk. I had to pay for $53 of spilled gas. FML

Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my girlfriend. I told her that I loved her. She asked me how much wind-shield wiper blades cost. FML

#7296803
44 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21007) - you deserved it (3103)

On 01/12/2010 at 8:09am - intimacy - by Upbrakie - United States

Today, at a bar, a woman approched me and tried to set me up with her friend. Looking around, the only people in the bar were a man reading the paper and a very ugly woman, looking at me and smiling. I worriedly replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay." Turns out her friend was the one reading the paper. FML

#7295909
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11147) - you deserved it (38377)

On 01/12/2010 at 5:26am - love - by awkward23 (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, around 2:00 a.m. I had just sat down on my couch when I noticed one of my cats poking at what appeared to be a toy. I attempted to pick it up to play with the cat when it started to move like a mouse. I squealed like a girl and woke up my wife upstairs. I'm a 26-year-old man. FML

#7295020
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8995) - you deserved it (20605)

On 01/12/2010 at 2:45am - animals - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I learned I have a severe sinus infection, my body really can't handle antibiotics, and I can projectile vomit out my nose. Not sure if I am more impressed that I still somehow aimed the puke into the sink, or that swallowing afterwards hurt more than emptying my stomach via my nose. FML

#7294693
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24378) - you deserved it (1867)

On 01/12/2010 at 2:18am - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I was saying goodbye to my 5 year old son before dropping him at my mom's, as I was leaving for two days, and told him I would miss him. He says "l won't miss you, I never miss you when you are gone." FML

#7294242
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31144) - you deserved it (3877)

On 01/12/2010 at 1:46am - kids - by mandiballz - United States (California)

Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML

#7293990
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28162) - you deserved it (8613)

On 01/12/2010 at 1:30am - intimacy - by cold-n-stinky (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, we got our family pictures back from the printers. I complained to my mom about the ones she picked. "Oh don't worry," she said. "I had them photoshop out your gut." I was talking about my smile. FML

#7292547
34 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22586) - you deserved it (3410)

On 01/12/2010 at 12:11am - misc - by Me (woman) - United States (Montana)

Today, I was sent to the hospital for being knocked out with a potato. FML

#7290118
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29284) - you deserved it (3834)

On 01/11/2010 at 10:40pm - health - by brileyyyy - United States (Missouri)

Today, I woke up at 3am because my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. I went off to the guest room to try to get back to sleep. Eventually I fell back asleep. Then I had a dream that my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. It woke me up. FML

#7286498
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26716) - you deserved it (2650)

On 01/11/2010 at 8:40pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, the little boy I nanny for finally stood up and went 'pee-pee on the potty'. I started cheering and clapping, making a big deal out of it. I flushed while he smiled proudly and pooped on the floor. FML

#7278236
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28374) - you deserved it (3345)

On 01/11/2010 at 1:08pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I found out that a water pipe at my work had burst over the weekend. There is absolutely no water in the building, including the bathrooms. It's a 9 hour day, and I took a laxative this morning before I came in. FML

#7276638
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23894) - you deserved it (9983)

On 01/11/2010 at 10:28am - work - by bs_happens (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I slid on ice and hit another car while driving to work. My car was totalled, and my leg hurt, while the other car had very little damage. Not two minutes later, the salt truck drove by, spraying the road. FML

#7275776
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24955) - you deserved it (3282)

On 01/11/2010 at 8:43am - misc - by wrecked (woman) - United States (Ohio)



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