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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was really horny after some dirty texts from my boyfriend. Since everyone seemed to be sleeping, I closed my eyes and started to touch myself. I was really close to climaxing when I opened my eyes and made eye contact with my mother staring at me as I was masturbating. FML

#7020543
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24690) - you deserved it (9498)

On 12/29/2009 at 8:05pm - intimacy - by Rawr (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I got stuck in a blizzard. My mother never picked me up like she was supposed to, and wasn't answering her phone. After walking around for a half hour, freezing, I finally found her. Where was she? Sitting in Pizza Hut, having a great time. FML

#7019728
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28306) - you deserved it (2124)

On 12/29/2009 at 7:30pm - misc - by kenzieeeee (woman) - United States (Maine)

Today, I looked outside and I saw that my new car had been snowed on. Sadly the snow had frozen onto the car, so I spent the entire day getting it off. I came inside. By 8pm, my car had snow all over it again, and this time I left the window open. FML

#7016901
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8108) - you deserved it (34555)

On 12/29/2009 at 3:59pm - misc - by FMLimsomad (man) - United States

Today, I was told to shovel four inches of snow from my driveway. I had to get the snow shovel from the rafters of my garage, and there were other tools with it. As I was yanking the shovel down, a pickax fell and smashed through the back window of my dad's Buick. FML

#7016410
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23090) - you deserved it (5251)

On 12/29/2009 at 3:26pm - misc - by Charlie8u347 (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I found a diamond on the floor, which I could only assume was from one of my brother's cheap earrings. I was positive that it was fake. To prove it to myself, I ran it across my window, as they say only real diamonds cut glass. It's real. FML

#7015066
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7378) - you deserved it (39146)

On 12/29/2009 at 2:10pm - misc - by namehere34 (man) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I told my mom I was going on a date tonight. She laughed and didn't believe me. When I tried to convince her it was real, she got mad and grounded me for lying. I had to cancel the date. FML

#7014682
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38197) - you deserved it (3528)

On 12/29/2009 at 1:50pm - love - by Grounded (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, the police called and told me that they had Alex in custody. Apparently, she had public sex with another woman and wants me to come bail her out. Alex is my mom. FML

#7014156
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27997) - you deserved it (2415)

On 12/29/2009 at 1:18pm - intimacy - by runescapeftw (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I went to the dentist after not being there for 3 years. I was told that I had loads of cavities and that I would need to pay $3,000 for a serious mouth surgery. The reason I hadn't been to the dentist in 3 years: I've been married to a dentist for 3 years that said my teeth were "perfect." FML

#7011846
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36296) - you deserved it (5650)

On 12/29/2009 at 10:09am - misc - by bradyman (man) - United States (South Carolina)

Today, I found out my reward for topping three of the four employee performance charts was a paycut. FML

#7010601
40 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25014) - you deserved it (1980)

On 12/29/2009 at 6:42am - work - by Stumanji (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, I found out that my booty call only likes to have sex with me so afterwards he can watch ESPN on my plasma screen TV, because he has neither. FML

#7009296
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9156) - you deserved it (14135)

On 12/29/2009 at 3:59am - intimacy - by pieceofcake163 (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I got a phone call from my cheating ex asking if I would go out with him that night. After 3 years of no contact, I decided to give him another chance and gave him my address for his GPS. I was then told that I lived too far and he didn't want to drive. He cancelled. I live 15 minutes away. FML

#7008039
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12119) - you deserved it (25693)

On 12/29/2009 at 2:41am - misc - by SherryBaby (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, marks the second week straight without sex. Being a newlywed isn't as great as I thought. FML

#7007388
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20140) - you deserved it (3862)

On 12/29/2009 at 2:12am - intimacy - by marriagesux - United States



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