FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my car broke down. My boyfriend, who is not too handy, insisted on fixing it. He called me outside and said he was done and started the engine. Moments after rejoicing, it burst into flames. FML

by cartrouble / 11/24/2010 at 10:52pm / United States (North Dakota) / Transportation

Today, I celebrated my birthday. When asked last week, I said I wanted a keyboard. When I opened the present, my parents went into hysterics. It was an electronic Dora the Explorer keyboard. I've been studying music composition and theory for six years. They think my major's a joke. FML

by Anonymous / 11/24/2010 at 9:49pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss sent me to a meeting with a client I've never met to do some damage control and renegotiate his contract. For two hours, he alternated between threatening to sue us, and making vulgar comments about raping me in his office. FML

by Anonymous / 11/24/2010 at 2:34pm / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years. I took the whole day to cook a nice meal, and stuck the ring in a cookie that I was going to give to her. In the middle of the dinner I was holding the cookie under the table, about to give it to her. My dog ate it. FML

by ryansmithho / 11/24/2010 at 2:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said "I want to be better than your vibrator!" FML

by Heyy / 11/24/2010 at 12:55pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, my toilet broke. Yesterday, the shower filled up with sludge. I have ten people coming over for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. FML

by Anonymous / 11/24/2010 at 12:29pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, is my daughter's first birthday. Today also marks 1 year and 9 months since I last had sex with my wife. FML

by notgettingany / 11/24/2010 at 12:18pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I finally felt the effects of a laxative that I took last night. This morning, when I was in the dentist's chair. FML

by Anonymous / 11/24/2010 at 10:40am / United States (New Hampshire) / Health

Today, I went to the bank to get a temporary debit card since I lost my wallet a week ago. On my drive across the street from the bank to the DMV a car slammed into mine at the intersection, nearly totaling my car. The movie theater I went to last week just called and said they'd found my wallet. FML

by Anonymous / 11/24/2010 at 2:10am / United States (Minnesota) / Money

Today, I had just finished writing my rough draft essay, so I went to sit by the pond. A giant moth suddenly flew down and attacked me, causing me to drop my binder in the pond, ruining the essay. I discovered in the aftermath that the moth was actually a leaf. FML

by cali / 11/24/2010 at 1:08am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received my acceptance letter to one of the most prestigious universities in the US, as well as a nice scholarship. I was so proud of myself, I eagerly showed my dad, hoping he would shed a tear or two. His only words were, "Just get a job so you can get the hell out of my house." FML

by Anonymous / 11/23/2010 at 11:41pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up early and went to the dermatologist's, only to have them tell me that the skin condition I have that causes big, white spots to appear is chronic and I can do nothing about it. But they did give me cream for a different skin condition they found. FML

by Username / 11/23/2010 at 8:40pm / United States / Health

Today, while my mom was out, I took the car out to CVS to get some food, even though I'm not legally allowed to drive. As soon as I got back in the car, my mom pulled up 2 parking spaces away from me. She didn't notice me bend down to hide... until I accidentally hit the horn in the process. FML

by horn-y / 11/23/2010 at 1:23pm / United States (Arizona) / Transportation