FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my house is suffering from an infestation of these tiny black beetles. After brushing my teeth tonight, I was rinsing out my toothbrush when I found that one of the beetles had curled up to die between the bristles. FML

by twice-a-day / 11/18/2010 at 12:04am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I asked my boyfriend to try and man up and act a bit tougher. He started crying. FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2010 at 9:32pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I found out that my boyfriend likes to show his female co-workers his dick, by emailing them pictures of it. I found out when he included my email address in with theirs. FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2010 at 8:42pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I asked my boyfriend what celebrity I look like. He thought long and hard, then said "Sarah Jessica Parker." I gasped and told him that I find her extremely hideous. He replied "So do I." FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2010 at 7:26pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, while working as security for a football game, I told a woman she wasn't allowed to bring her snickers bar into the stadium because no outside food was allowed in. She threw it at my face than tried to spit on me. I hate people. FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2010 at 1:02pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Work

Today, my mother was over visiting. My three year old ran out of my room chasing the cat with his toy. He smacked the cat with it, the cat scratched him, he dropped it and ran away. I was busy with the baby so I asked my mom to take the toy away. She walked back holding my pink dildo. FML

by bottomdrawerraider / 11/17/2010 at 12:13pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Intimacy

Today, in the wee hours of the morning I decided to make a naked dash to the bathroom, unfortunately, my dad decided to do the same thing at the exact same time. FML

by mydadsawsooomuch / 11/17/2010 at 8:26am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I started an awesome job with competitive pay. I also found out that the place is closing its doors in June. FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2010 at 5:58am / United States / Work

Today, I bought one of my favorite albums from when I was growing up. When I looked at the liner notes, I learned that my favorite song on the album wasn't about taking a bath, but about going to a brothel. My second-favorite isn't about moving, but about suicide. My childhood just shattered. FML

by nilssonfan / 11/17/2010 at 3:08am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I confessed to my best friend that I love him and always have. He whispered to himself, "Why do the fat chicks always want me?" FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2010 at 3:03am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I began training my replacement at work. She's a senior citizen. She got excited when I taught her how to highlight text on the screen and double-click the mouse because she "never knew how to do those fancy tricks." The job is entirely computer-based. I have to train her for 6 weeks. FML

by Anonymous / 11/16/2010 at 8:34pm / United States (Kentucky) / Work

Today, my girlfriend told me to Google how to last longer in bed. FML

by anonymous / 11/16/2010 at 5:43pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I was on the phone with my mother. She asked me if I was going to make it to Christmas at home. I told her that I would try and make it home since it would be my grandma's last Christmas alive. To my luck, grandma was sitting in the car with my mother, and speaker phone was in use. FML

by Anonymous / 11/16/2010 at 12:09pm / United States (Washington) / Health