FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my fiancé — a top chef — called me at work to make sure I would be home on time for the extra special dinner he'd prepared for me. The occasion, as I later discovered, was the end of our engagement. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2010 at 6:29pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, stood in line for hours to see the new Harry Potter. Unfortunately, once inside the theater, I was stuck in the bathroom with the runs for the entire length of the movie. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2010 at 4:20pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, after three weeks of my boss telling me how much he appreciates my hard work and has submitted my name up for a promotion, he called me into his office to announce I'm being laid off. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2010 at 2:38pm / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I came home and found a can of body spray. My parents get me a new scent whenever they go shopping, which is usually at least twice a week. They left a note: "Do you get it yet?" FML

by SODbeatlesMCRlp / 11/19/2010 at 11:54am / United States / Health

Today, I sent a text to a guy I'd met over the weekend. He'd traveled 40 miles to my town for the date, so I picked up the tab for dinner. My text simply said, "Had a nice time. Looking forward to getting together again." His reply was, "When did you get so needy?" FML

by needfulthing / 11/19/2010 at 10:00am / United States / Love

Today, my ballet teacher decided to tell us, in detail, about the nasty staph infection she has on her boob. The whole time, she was scratching it. FML

by fightingkittens / 11/19/2010 at 1:07am / United States (California) / Health

Today, my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. FML

by kay_jay1819 / 11/19/2010 at 12:04am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I was just about done with my late-night shift at Ralph's. As I was about to put up my "Closed Lane" sign, an elderly women starts putting items on the conveyor belt. The cost was $14.79, and she paid with pennies. It took her ages to count them all, and I wasn't being paid overtime. FML

by Anonymous / 11/18/2010 at 10:34pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I'm at work as a security guard. At a morgue. Why am I here? FML

by Anonymous / 11/18/2010 at 10:04pm / United States / Work

Today, I went to school in my brand new shirt. It was loose fitting and a bit thin, so I wore a sweatshirt on top, intending to take it in once inside. When I got to my seat, I took off my sweatshirt, but also took off my shirt with it, flashing my whole class. FML

by Amanda Ross / 11/18/2010 at 6:12pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend emailed me this morning to let me know that he had forwarded the joke that I had sent to him to all of his workmates and friends. He was quickly given the heads-up by one of his friends that all of our intimate emails from the day were also included. I'm dating a dumbass. FML

by Anonymous / 11/18/2010 at 11:27am / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, my wife of seven years told me that she doesn't trust me with dog-sitting her dog while she leaves to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's with her family. She ended up calling someone she "trusts" to take care of her dog while I spend the holidays by myself. FML

by nottrustworthy / 11/18/2010 at 1:44am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, my house is suffering from an infestation of these tiny black beetles. After brushing my teeth tonight, I was rinsing out my toothbrush when I found that one of the beetles had curled up to die between the bristles. FML

by twice-a-day / 11/18/2010 at 12:04am / United States (North Carolina) / Health