FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was released from jail. I had helped a three year old girl get up after falling on a wet floor at the mall last night when the security guards tasered me. Only this morning did they tell me they had mistaken me for a child molester that looks a little bit like me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/25/2011 at 4:15pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML

by totallyscrewedomg / 01/25/2011 at 12:11pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my uncle had a flashback to Vietnam. I'm now missing a tooth and have a cracked rib. FML

by Randall / 01/25/2011 at 2:28am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years has been cheating on me with a Realtor. The same Realtor who helped me sell my condo so I could move in with my boyfriend. FML

by raaquel / 01/25/2011 at 1:10am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I got turned down from a job I really wanted. Six hours later, the guy called me again and delivered the same news, not realizing he had already called this morning. Thanks for rubbing it in. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2011 at 11:24pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my apartment got robbed. My 'book-in-progress' should keep them company. FML

by brokenhome / 01/24/2011 at 10:18pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at the urinal doing my business, my trousers fell all the way to the ground. As I bent down to pull them back up, my boss walked in the bathroom and thought I was mooning him. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2011 at 9:33pm / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, my boyfriend had to give me an enema. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2011 at 7:30pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. The subject of abuse came up and I told her that if her father ever hurt her I would cut his dick off. The next thing I hear is, "Don't say shit you can't back up!" Her father had picked up the phone the moment I'd said it. FML

by Fucked / 01/24/2011 at 5:47pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, while at school, I slipped on a wet patch in the hall and fell over, smacking my head against the floor. I laid there for a good five minutes in agonizing pain while people literally walked over me. Not a single person bothered to help me up or ask if I was okay. FML

by damnbananas / 01/24/2011 at 3:38pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black tank top. My husband exclaimed, "This is the best part about being a grown up!" He was talking about the ice cream he was eating in bed. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2011 at 2:43pm / United States (Nebraska) / Intimacy

Today, was my first day at a new job. I was really pleased with how much positive attention I was getting in a mainly male office. Guess whose shirt was see-through. FML

by oooops / 01/24/2011 at 2:18pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, I was backing out of my snowy drive way on my way to work. I thought I hit a lump of snow. I'd run over my white cat. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2011 at 1:30pm / United States (Missouri) / Animals