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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to hook up with the girl he's been cheating on me with for the past 4 months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out. FML

#3986456
184 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51377) - you deserved it (2938)

On 07/23/2009 at 7:25pm - love - by Inga44 (woman) - United States (Iowa)

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone, and things got a little heated. We were in the middle of some kinky dialog, complete with hand action when he suddenly goes silent. While waiting for a response, I heard typing on the other end. He was checking his email. FML

#3983887
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36872) - you deserved it (8153)

On 07/23/2009 at 5:40pm - intimacy - by Eskyew (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I was walking through a heavy door at work, so I reached behind me to catch it so it wouldn't slam shut. Little did I know that my boss was walking through right after me. Instead of catching the door, I caught a handful of his crotch. FML

#3982111
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44252) - you deserved it (4753)

On 07/23/2009 at 4:23pm - work - by bossgroper (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I am allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML

#3981210
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15397) - you deserved it (38825)

On 07/23/2009 at 3:43pm - animals - by emmey (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML

#3980523
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46917) - you deserved it (5601)

On 07/23/2009 at 3:16pm - love - by tubedout (man) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, I was helping my sister by getting some old boxes down from her attic. Too bad I didn't realize the piece of plywood I was standing on doesn't extend all over the attic floor. Of course, I did realize it when I went through the ceiling onto the concrete floor of her garage. FML

#3973992
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31387) - you deserved it (4000)

On 07/23/2009 at 7:45am - health - by SBT1030 (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, while walking through the park, a little boy came running up to me and hit me in the nuts with a stick. I fell on the ground and looked up just in time to see his mom giving him the thumbs up with a smile on her face. FML

#3971516
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46665) - you deserved it (3603)

On 07/23/2009 at 3:10am - kids - by bbbkingsey (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

#3971502
171 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48602) - you deserved it (5873)

On 07/23/2009 at 3:10am - misc - by Tallow101 - United States (Ohio)

Today, I saw an elderly man struggling to make it across a busy street. I jumped up from my table at Starbucks to help him, leaving my things behind. When I got back to my table feeling good, I found that my coffee had disappeared. So had my wallet. FML

#3971332
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31858) - you deserved it (22155)

On 07/23/2009 at 3:00am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokémon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokémon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML

#3971030
313 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15706) - you deserved it (65967)

On 07/23/2009 at 2:42am - intimacy - by MitchFail (man) - United States

Today, my girlfriend of eight years explained to me that the Egyptian pyramids were built by aliens from Mars. I have a B.S. in Biology and an M.S. in Anthropology, and I am working on my Ph.D. She thinks I'm an irrational idiot for telling her she is wrong. FML

#3970394
349 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39281) - you deserved it (7719)

On 07/23/2009 at 2:13am - work - by published_anthropologist (man) - United States

Today, I went to a funeral. When I got there, I hugged one of the family members and he asked, "How are you?" Out of habit, I replied, "Good, how about you?" He looked appalled and shouted "How the fuck do you think I am?! My mother just died!" loud enough for everyone to hear. FML

#3968055
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36894) - you deserved it (17238)

On 07/23/2009 at 12:40am - misc - by partycats (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I got very dressed up and was excited for my uncle's wedding. While standing in line for photos, I heard my dad's voice from behind me say "Who's the hot chick in the brown dress?" My uncle responds "Uh, that's your daughter." Silence. FML

#3967657
192 comments

I agree, your life sucks (67041) - you deserved it (4060)

On 07/23/2009 at 12:26am - misc - by Rory (woman) - United States (Illinois)



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