FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because his iPod app said I was cheating. FML

by Anonymous / 02/01/2011 at 1:52pm / United States (Delaware) / Geek

Today, I wanted to annoy my sister by playing the air horn app on my iPhone. I forgot that I had headphones in. Let's just say I quickly had to change my underwear. FML

by Brea / 02/01/2011 at 1:50pm / United States (Missouri) / Geek

Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML

by Anonymous / 02/01/2011 at 8:43am / United States / Love

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and left me crying in the street. I then got a text from my mom saying how pathetic my love life was. Apparently, it was a mass text message and she accidentally added me to the list. FML

by isystuff / 02/01/2011 at 12:24am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to babysit two kids. I told them to stop fighting, or to sit on separate couches. They stopped. I asked why nobody would sit on the other couch, where I'd been sitting. They told me it was the couch their autistic brother often pees on. FML

by joxerthemighty39 / 01/31/2011 at 10:11pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, I tried to save a dying bird I found on the sidewalk. I got a parking ticket for $114 in front of the animal hospital. I later found out the bird died. FML

by Wheresthebeefz / 01/31/2011 at 9:46pm / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, I politely complimented a stranger's excellent posture. She responded by saying "I have a metal rod in my back." FML

by Anonymous / 01/31/2011 at 9:39pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I was woken up to my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and sweet 16 balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I will be 17. FML

by ad4 / 01/31/2011 at 6:11pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML

by anon / 01/31/2011 at 5:46pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I was having a bad day at work. Then, on my coffee break, a little boy walked up to me and told me I was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. I'm a guy. FML

by imsadnow / 01/31/2011 at 3:01pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, my fiancé ended our engagement, saying he wanted to have "one last quickie" for the road. He saw nothing wrong with that. FML

by Anonymous / 01/31/2011 at 12:35pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, while I was waiting at a bus stop, a man stopped at the red light and smiled at me. I smiled back. He blew me a kiss and drove away, just as I realized he was masturbating behind the wheel. FML

by mentallyscarred / 01/31/2011 at 4:34am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I got married and I'd invited everyone from work including my boss. His way of congratulating me was to mention that I'm out of a job. He said it was a good time to do it because he thought I would be too happy or too drunk to care. FML

by freckleboy422 / 01/31/2011 at 4:28am / United States (California) / Work