FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my husband ran at me, groaning like a zombie. I was so startled that I screamed, punched him, and started sobbing. Now he won't talk to me because this is 'the first step on the road of domestic violence'. FML

by katybaby / 12/09/2010 at 12:15pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I sat in my room on the computer instead of attending the party of the year. I got kicked out because I wasn't invited. The party was in my back yard, hosted by my brother. FML

by person123abc / 12/09/2010 at 12:35am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that even if you have to go really bad, never burst into a bathroom stall assuming that it's vacant because you don't see any legs underneath. There might be a child in there, who will scream, and whose mother will burst in and start screaming at you for being a "pedo." FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2010 at 9:55pm / United States / Kids

Today, I was helping an old lady at my job. While I was in mid-sentence, she coughed wet phlegm directly into my mouth. It tasted vile and caused me to have a panic attack while working. FML

by grossedout / 12/08/2010 at 9:26pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I was Rizzo in a production of Grease. I sang a line about needing a ring. I've been able to put up my left ring finger for every rehearsal, but today I put up the one next to it. I flipped off the audience. FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2010 at 9:21pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent ages at CVS waiting for a flu shot. The main cause of holdup was a disagreement between the pharmacist and the insurance company over 4 cents. FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2010 at 9:07pm / United States (Indiana) / Health

Today, while driving home with my boyfriend, we started discussing how clean our driving records were. I was boasting about how I'd never been in an accident when I hit a moose. FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2010 at 12:07pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Transportation

Today, I was making out with this guy, and I ask him if he wants to take my bra off. He has some trouble getting it off and says, "This is strange, I do it for my sister all the time." FML

by fme / 12/08/2010 at 9:34am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, after receiving a lovely massage from my boyfriend, I was lying topless in bed beside him. Just as I was thinking this would be the perfect opportunity for some intimacy, he looks at me and says, "my mom is SO awesome." FML

by ooblie / 12/08/2010 at 3:22am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, I found out my no-work-experience brother has just accepted a 50k/year job. He is still in school and has never had a job. I work as an intern for 11 hours a day, get rude emails from my boss, and have 3 degrees and 5 years work experience. FML

by underemployed / 12/08/2010 at 12:17am / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, my custom printed Christmas cards that I reviewed twice before ordering, came in the mail. This year I will be wishing everyone a "wondeful" holiday season. I'm an elementary school teacher. FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2010 at 12:17am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I planned to drop a water balloon on my visiting prankster brother from my new apartment's balcony. As he crossed the street, I launched the balloon, and sent it right behind him. It hit an eight year old on a scooter. FML

by bullseyed / 12/07/2010 at 11:20pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, while working as a hotel guard I found a homeless man lying in the grass. I asked him to move and he ignored me, continuing to lie there with his head resting on his arms and a big smile on his face. I got annoyed and started to yell at him. After a few minutes I realized he was dead. FML

by Anonymous / 12/07/2010 at 11:18pm / United States / Work