FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my mom told me that my new concealer is way too dark and makes my skin look hideously orange and uneven. I wasn't wearing any makeup. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2010 at 4:32pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I realized that every day without fail, the muffins I've been making and giving to my husband for work have been hitting speeding cars' windshields. FML

by muffdriver / 12/26/2010 at 10:47am / United States (New Jersey) / Transportation

Today, my friend compared my hair color to hers. Also, she braided my hair (two pieces) with hers (one piece). I asked her why and she finally broke down and told me. She has lice and didn't want to be the only one. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2010 at 3:12am / United States (California) / Health

Today, my wife thinks I will agree to anything she says if she just pleasures me orally. I now found out, she is correct. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2010 at 1:10am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I think my friends were trying to tell me something with all my Christmas gifts being mostly perfume, deodorant, and soap. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2010 at 1:04am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I was able to land a nice apartment solely based on the fact that my puppy is potty trained. During the required pet interview, my dog 'got sick' and defecated all over the apartment office. I now have to clean the mess knowing that I will not be allowed to live there. FML

by Anonymous / 12/25/2010 at 9:29pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, after months of her begging me, I let my girlfriend cut my hair for the first time. It turned out so badly that we are now "taking a break until it looks normal again." FML

by badhairday / 12/25/2010 at 8:38pm / United States (Nebraska) / Love

Today, I rented a copy How To Train Your Dragon for my young son to watch. I put the DVD in, hit play without paying attention, and went off to make lunch. A few minutes later, my son ran into the kitchen screaming. Apparently, there was a mix up at the rental store and I got a copy of Saw IV. FML

by Anonymous / 12/25/2010 at 6:21pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, my girlfriend told me the reason she asked me to shave my beard. When I go down on her shaved, it feels more like her ex-boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 12/25/2010 at 4:26pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I spent the morning in the ER with a broken arm. My little brother was in such a rush to get his presents first, that he violently shoved me out of the way on the stairs. FML

by Connor / 12/25/2010 at 1:33pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML

by Jessie / 12/25/2010 at 8:38am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my mom gave me my Christmas gift. It was a letter containing $200 and a note saying, "Here's the down payment for your apartment, please just move out already." I turned 18 last week. Thanks mom. FML

by Anonymous / 12/25/2010 at 3:27am / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, I gave my wife a $900 necklace as a special Christmas gift. She gave me a set of Star Wars pajamas. As it turns out, I was more excited to wear my gift than she was to wear hers. FML

by ima nerd / 12/25/2010 at 2:31am / United States (Alabama) / Money