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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I had one of the worst first dates of my life. After leaving the restaurant early, we went to a party to try and salvage the night. My date then got wasted, ended up puking in the back seat of my car on the way home, then lied about it. My night ended with me cleaning vomit out of my car. FML

#8540042
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25013) - you deserved it (3535)

On 02/22/2010 at 12:17am - love - by shwasted (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, while eating at an outdoor café, a man on the street came up to me and said, "My girlfriend is sexier than you, bitch." Thanks for the confidence boost. FML

#8539206
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30019) - you deserved it (2535)

On 02/22/2010 at 12:02am - misc - by sandiego - United States (Texas)

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's house, I picked up her cat and held him like he was baby Simba. Apparently he didn't enjoy that, because he managed to somehow leap out of my hands and attach himself to my chest, claws extended. I now have four one-inch-long gashes on my chest. FML

#8532673
160 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8281) - you deserved it (29016)

On 02/21/2010 at 10:14pm - animals - by Rafiki (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, my best friend had set me up on a blind date. The guy demonstrated at length that he could do different cartoon voices such as Donald Duck, Droopy and many others the entire time. Oh, and he also kept wanting to talk about his farts. FML

#8529668
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26627) - you deserved it (3290)

On 02/21/2010 at 9:12pm - love - by Court - United States (Ohio)

Today, my step-mom yelled at me for an hour, calling me a slut because our male dog saw me naked. FML

Today, I learned a little lesson about consequences. Yesterday, I ate a quarter as a dare. Today, I tried to poop it out. It got stuck coming out. I had to go to the doctor and explain everything. FML

#8519094
181 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6330) - you deserved it (46290)

On 02/21/2010 at 2:34pm - misc - by anna14 - United States (Tennessee)

Today, it was my first day of softball practice. I'm the youngest one on the team by about 2 years, so I wanted to prove I'm just as good as everyone else. Too bad I tripped in the outfield and got hit in the head with a bat. I have a concussion. FML

#8518590
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21141) - you deserved it (4210)

On 02/21/2010 at 2:12pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, a drunk man opened the unlocked door to my house thinking it was his house. He tried to attack me because he thought I was a burglar. FML

#8516806
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30877) - you deserved it (7241)

On 02/21/2010 at 1:05pm - misc - by jerrid - United States (California)

Today, I went to the movies with my friends. A pretty redhead came on the screen. One of my guy friends leaned over to me and said, "Have you noticed there aren't any pretty redheads in real life?" I guess he forgot what color my hair is. FML

#8516526
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29229) - you deserved it (2918)

On 02/21/2010 at 12:54pm - misc - by Mika_Ookami - United States (Rhode Island)

Today, I was checking out a gorgeous woman in spandex with beautiful flowing long black hair on the treadmill at the gym. I spent a few minutes just watching her body move and ripple under the material. She turned off the treadmill and got off, only for me to find out that it was a guy. FML

#8512491
186 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11199) - you deserved it (41119)

On 02/21/2010 at 10:16am - love - by anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my boyfriend in Key West. I had gotten a bikini wax and new swimsuit for the occasion. My boyfriend was being romantic until he pulled a long hair from a mole on my leg. It's all fun and games until the mole starts bleeding, profusely. FML

#8510516
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24068) - you deserved it (3936)

On 02/21/2010 at 7:56am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to send him a pic of myself being happy for his phone's caller ID. So I picked out a picture where I'm grinning a big grin, clearly very happy like he asked. He replies back, "You look weird there. Send a pretty one." FML

#8507501
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23790) - you deserved it (4739)

On 02/21/2010 at 3:44am - misc - by weirdo - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend came to my workplace and presented me with a lock of his hair. His pubic hair that he'd just cut. FML

#8507226
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22868) - you deserved it (2905)

On 02/21/2010 at 3:32am - intimacy - by emih (woman) - United States (California)



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