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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my girlfriend was getting up to leave and I, trying to be romantic, got up behind her and tried to swing her back down onto the bed and kiss her simultaneously, misjudged the distance and threw her into the wall, her head then bounced off the wall and into my forehead, spraining her nose. FML

#5394523
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8799) - you deserved it (21923)

On 09/21/2009 at 3:08pm - intimacy - by dontpanic (man) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I parked my truck next to a rather large SUV at school, went to class for 8 hours straight, came back and found my passenger side door crumpled from where they had backed out and hit it. They left a note on my window that said, "Sorry about your truck, but I don't have insurance." FML

#5393176
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38045) - you deserved it (2233)

On 09/21/2009 at 1:16pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, my grandma picked up the phone. It was a man asking to speak to me. Instead of giving me the phone she decides to hang up on him, thinking it was some guy trying to "get with me." It turned out to be the call I've been waiting all week for... a call from a huge company about a job offer. FML

#5393061
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40393) - you deserved it (2300)

On 09/21/2009 at 1:08pm - work - by Unemployed (woman) - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked if she should get birthcontrol, of course I said yes and offered to pay the 55 dollar fee. She got her physical and pills and then dumped me the next day. I basically paid 55 dollars so that she can sleep with other people. FML

#5392690
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24678) - you deserved it (3617)

On 09/21/2009 at 12:34pm - intimacy - by charlieday (man) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent me a birthday present. It was a necklace for me to wear at my wedding. The pendant is a well known lesbian symbol. I'm a woman and I'm marrying her son. FML

#5392687
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36015) - you deserved it (2651)

On 09/21/2009 at 12:32pm - love - by whasian (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, while taking a shower in the dorm bathroom, my roommate thought it would be funny to steal my towel, robe, and key. I spent over an hour waiting for someone to come into the bathroom so I could ask them to bring me something to cover up. FML

#5387422
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33265) - you deserved it (3165)

On 09/21/2009 at 1:31am - misc - by issy (woman) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I was at work when two sheriff's deputies walked in. They asked me my name and when I told them, they asked me to turn around and they cuffed me. They told me I was under arrest for robbery. Turns out I was mistakenly IDed, but now every one at my job thinks I'm an armed robber. FML

#5385997
29 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32159) - you deserved it (1862)

On 09/21/2009 at 12:12am - misc - by THATguy (man) - United States (Nebraska)

Today, I bought the girl I like a bouquet of roses saying "anonymous" on it, and left it on her front porch. She saw it, and called the guy she thought it was from. He said "you're welcome" and now they're going out. FML

#5385782
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23297) - you deserved it (40218)

On 09/21/2009 at 12:02am - love - by anonymouss (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house for the first time. I had to use the restroom, and when I came back, I mocked her brothers' lame Pokémon shower curtain and Ninja Turtle towels. Turns out they were hers. FML

#5383572
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7754) - you deserved it (56403)

On 09/20/2009 at 10:28pm - love - by newlydumped (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, while helping my aunts with a garage sale, I sold a relish tray that looked like my mothers. When I put stuff away, I found items of my mothers tagged. Turns out, instead of holding onto my dead mother's items for me until I can store them, they've been selling them at discount prices. FML

Today, I was working drive thru and took a huge order. When the people pulled around to the window, they handed me a stack of coupons. None of the coupons were even related to what they ordered. They made me change their order to fit the coupons because they couldn't read. FML

#5380714
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38207) - you deserved it (2564)

On 09/20/2009 at 8:38pm - work - by MEW (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I was in my 15-year-old sister’s room when I found birth control pills. I told my parents, who responded by saying, "Sex is beautiful thing." When I was her age my parents caught me pleasuring myself, and smashed my laptop with a hammer, all while calling me "filthy" and "immoral". FML

#5375758
255 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52671) - you deserved it (8824)

On 09/20/2009 at 4:55pm - misc - by LovesHisHand (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was watching The Omen with my father. A little bit into the movie my dad turned to me and said, "Wow, you really looked like that Damien kid when you were little." Apparently I strangely resemble the anti-christ, and I am a teenage girl. Thanks Dad. FML

#5373762
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31277) - you deserved it (4149)

On 09/20/2009 at 3:20pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)



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