FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my husband decided to imitate Borat and shout "Very Nice! I Excite!" while having sex. He's also decided that it was ingenious and does it every single time, the entire time. FML

by mrssagdiyev / 03/05/2011 at 9:19am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML

by anon / 03/05/2011 at 5:15am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML

by insomnitude / 03/05/2011 at 1:55am / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend went down on me for the first time. Just as I was reaching climax my brother raced into the bathroom right next to my door and began to vomit extremely loudly. FML

by Anonymous / 03/05/2011 at 12:05am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, while at Subway, I looked on as an employee killed a fly with his hands. He then continued working without a second thought. He was making my sandwich. FML

by Shoofly / 03/04/2011 at 5:54pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I found out that my ferret, which my parents had told me ran away a few years ago, was actually given to my cousin while I was at a friend's house. My parents didn't want to deal with him anymore and gave him away for free. FML

by Person in Alaska with a Ferret / 03/04/2011 at 3:42pm / United States (Alaska) / Animals

Today, I was telling my students that it's unnecessary to put arrows on the bottom of the page to tell me there's work on the back, I check it anyway. At the end of the day, at least 6 kids came up to me asking to change their grade because I forgot to grade the back. They hadn't put arrows. FML

by Anonymous / 03/03/2011 at 8:52pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, I learned that if I don't clean out the litter box everyday, my cat will resort to shitting in the laundry basket. FML

by Anonymous / 03/03/2011 at 7:45pm / United States (Colorado) / Animals

Today, I was on a conference call and digital meeting at work when I got bored and started surfing the Internet. Little did I know that my desktop was being shared. My boss was on the call and saw everything. FML

by hardlyworking / 03/03/2011 at 7:39pm / United States / Work

Today, my parents told me that due to my lacking height and weight, I legally have to sit in a booster seat in the car from now on. I'm nineteen. FML

by Anonymous / 03/03/2011 at 6:18pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I noticed my new neighbor had taken the liberty of putting up signs all around their lawn overnight. There are at least a dozen signs detailing the various reasons everyone on the planet is condemned to hell. FML

by Anonymous / 03/03/2011 at 1:33pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was answering a text from one of my students asking me if they could re-take a test. I thought I'd texted back "No, you can't." Auto correct had used a more frequently used word: "No, you cunt." FML

by Anonymous / 03/03/2011 at 6:22am / United States (California) / Work

Today, my boyfriend was inside a cell phone store talking to a sales guy while I waited outside. I sent him a text, not realizing that the guy was using his phone to call customer service. A topless photo of me shows up on his phone when I text him. The sales guy looked. Twice. FML

by LLCoolBean / 03/03/2011 at 3:32am / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy