FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud. And that I wasn't alone. FML

by shit / 12/14/2010 at 4:26am / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, I got a message from the girl I like. She told me to never speak to her again and not even look at her any more. Apparently the letter I wrote to her was perverted, vile and nasty. I never wrote her a letter. FML

by Anonymous / 12/14/2010 at 12:01am / United States / Intimacy

Today, at my new job, I took some food out to a customer. Walking away, I heard a lady mumble, "Oh my God, you could never pay me enough to wear that." FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2010 at 11:13pm / United States (Indiana) / Work

Today, I read that using vegetable oil would give your legs a smooth feel, especially if you haven't shaved for weeks. So I tried it out. My legs felt slimy, the oil clogged up the blades, and I was reduced to shaving my legs with a naked razor head and soapy water. Endlessly smooth indeed. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2010 at 8:55pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder and take me to the bedroom. Little did he know that he literally threw me over his shoulder, and I face-planted on the ground. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2010 at 8:04pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I went to meet the girl I'd been talking to online for a while, and fallen in love with. When I arrived at her house, my brother answered the door and took a picture of my shocked face. He and his girlfriend had planned the entire thing because I'm apparently the most gullible member of the family. FML

by phonesage / 12/13/2010 at 3:29pm / United States (Nebraska) / Love

Today, while taking a shower, I was enthusiastically singing one of my favorite songs. When I got out, I noticed a bunch of things missing, and a note on my desk saying "shut the f*ck up, you suck." I was robbed and judged by a thief. FML

by Username / 12/13/2010 at 1:10pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML

by Wisconsin love / 12/13/2010 at 12:35pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy

Today, I was in the car with my mom. We were discussing my brother, how he's been screwing up majorly lately and she blamed it on his friends. Then she turned to me and said, "It's a good thing you've never had any friends." FML

by Amanda / 12/13/2010 at 11:29am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm spending the night with the guy I've been interested in for a while. Instead of sleeping in the same bed together, he insists that I sleep in another room because he "doesn't want to be tempted to do anything." So, I'm alone, in my best lingerie, in his little brother's room. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2010 at 9:57am / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy

Today, I found out my cousin had moved to Texas. I would have been okay with it, were it not for the fact that not only did I loan him $3,500, but I was supposed to go with him too. FML

by Reasondon / 12/13/2010 at 3:29am / United States (Michigan) / Money

Today, I was entertaining people during an extra curricular school function in order to help "brighten people's spirits in their time of need". After it was all over, I found out that my phone had been stolen. FML

by yermom / 12/13/2010 at 2:41am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, at Arby's, there were two cute guys behind me in line. Right before ordering, my dad said loudly "Go get the calorie sheet. You need to lose more weight before you think about going after those guys." FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2010 at 1:29am / United States (Washington) / Health