FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I am pregnant, sober, designated driver, and puke cleaner. Yay for the New Year! FML

by Anonymous / 01/01/2011 at 1:08am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was about to kiss my girlfriend right as the clock struck midnight for New Year's. She put her hand in front of my mouth, and broke up with me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/01/2011 at 12:19am / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, my grandmother drunk dialed me at midnight to wish me a happy new year. I was already in bed. My grandmother has a better social life than I do. FML

by nyebust / 01/01/2011 at 12:18am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend talked me into having drunk sex. Right after we started, my head hit a wall, knocking me out. I woke up to him taking pics of my tits. FML

by Samantha / 01/01/2011 at 12:11am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I was in the elevator with my female coworker and a very attractive teen in front of us. My coworker reached out and grabbed the boobs of the teen in front of us, and blamed it on me. I got yelled at, kneed in the crotch, and punched in the face. My coworker couldn't stop laughing. FML

by Chris / 01/01/2011 at 12:06am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I had a major falling out with my best friend. Angry, I sent a short text message to him explaining how I felt. I soon noticed I'd accidentally texted "I'm going to fucking kill you, asshole." to my boss instead. I'm still waiting on a reply. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2010 at 11:05pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I got into a nasty fight, and ended up leaving with a black eye. The fight was with a champagne bottle cork. I was opening the bottle to celebrate the New Year, at home, alone. FML

by haappynewyear / 12/31/2010 at 10:21pm / United States (Utah) / Love

Today, my mom duly informed me I'm the reason people have middle fingers. FML

by edulover / 12/31/2010 at 8:16pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at a family gathering for New Years, my aunt said she needed a flat surface to write on. My dad immediately piped up, "Why don't you use Samantha's chest?" I'm Samantha. I'm also 18. FML

by ilik3catz / 12/31/2010 at 7:05pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother woke me up and asked to borrow money. Still groggy, I mumbled where my money stash was. She took all $300 and refuses to pay me back because I'm her son and I "owe" her. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2010 at 4:49pm / United States / Money

Today, I was making a snowman with my little cousin. I was collecting snow just outside the house, when out of nowhere a snowball struck me in the back of the head and caused me to headbutt the wall. I woke up a short while later to a medic telling me I had a nasty concussion. Thanks, cousin. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2010 at 3:46pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, while lying in bed with my fiancé, we were talking about how we'd rather die, if given a choice. I said, "I want to die in my sleep next to you." His response? "It'd be sexier if you were on top of me with your face between my legs." Cute, honey. FML

by legwarmer / 12/31/2010 at 2:21pm / United States (Louisiana) / Intimacy

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and badly needed to pee. Just as I was about to say I had to go to the bathroom, my boyfriend suddenly put his hands around my stomach and picked me up. He hit just the right spot, causing me to empty my bladder then and there. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2010 at 2:03pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Health