FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my boyfriend called me and dumped me. Thirty minutes later he called asking for me back. When I asked why, he said "The other girl dumped me." FML

by life_isnt_fair / 03/09/2011 at 3:27am / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, my dad bought a one hundred dollar collectible light-saber. He plays with it. In the front yard. With sound effects. FML

by Anonymous / 03/08/2011 at 8:15pm / United States (California) / Geek

Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML

by Anonymous / 03/08/2011 at 6:23pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, as I couldn't get the airplane seat buckle to buckle, I faced the fact that I've been in denial about how fat I have become. The people in my row faced it too as I began to sob uncontrollably. FML

by Anonymous / 03/08/2011 at 1:25pm / United States (Florida) / Transportation

Today, I dropped my urine sample on my pants. Not only do I now not have a sample, it looks like I pissed myself. FML

by caqi33 / 03/08/2011 at 1:23pm / United States / Health

Today, I learned why my credit score is so low. My mom stole my identity almost three years ago. Her excuse? "You didn't need good credit for anything anyways". FML

by MommyLovesMe / 03/08/2011 at 10:21am / United States (Georgia) / Money

Today, while having sex, I thought I was having an orgasm for the first time. Turns out I was just hyperventilating. FML

by Anonymous / 03/08/2011 at 2:17am / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy

Today, my babysitter called to inform me that my grandfather is stalking her. FML

by ToxicSuicide / 03/08/2011 at 1:47am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told a cashier I always bullshit with that I was getting a new tattoo. She shook her head and said, "Honey, don't get a tattoo. You'll look like a whore." I already have five. FML

by tatfreak / 03/07/2011 at 8:03pm / United States (Arkansas) / Intimacy

Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML

by lolzboss / 03/07/2011 at 2:04pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I flipped out when I saw a centipede. I screamed, very loudly and in a very high voice. My girlfriend came into the room, stomped on it, picked it up and threw it in the trashcan. I apologized to her for the scene and all she said was, "I'm used to it." FML

by thenotsomanlyman / 03/07/2011 at 11:17am / United States / Animals

Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML

by fourfootnine / 03/07/2011 at 8:47am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend told me he was taking me out to eat to his favorite restaurant. He said I could order whatever I wanted and he'd pay for it. He took me to Red Lobster, knowing full well that I'm allergic to seafood. FML

by pinchy / 03/06/2011 at 10:00pm / United States (California) / Love