FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I went to the grocery store with my mom's boyfriend. We were in the bread aisle when he picked up a loaf that was in my hand, and said, "No, no, you have to FEEL the bread," and started rubbing it all over his body. He's moving in next week. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2011 at 12:39pm / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to dinner with friends for my birthday. During the whole thing they insisted that we get whatever we wanted and celebrate, but when the check came, they all looked at me expectantly. I just bought my friends $150 of food for my birthday present. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2011 at 10:33am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2011 at 9:38am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on the first date of my life. I also burped during my first kiss. FML

by hollysofly / 01/15/2011 at 2:38am / United States (California) / Love

Today, it's the 3 month anniversary marking the day two friends and I shaved our heads as a show of solidarity for a friend starting chemo. Her prognosis is good and her hair only thinned slightly. We, on the other hand, look like a motley crew of lesbian biker chicks. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2011 at 2:09am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2011 at 2:09am / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, after work, I came home to my boyfriend sleeping on the couch. Feeling romantic, I started to undo his pants. My reward was him waking up and kneeing me in the eye. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2011 at 12:52am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I posted a status on Facebook saying I was depressed and needed someone to talk to. Someone commented on it saying "Just kill yourself". It got 20 likes. FML

by Zmeilerr / 01/15/2011 at 12:38am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, we got a speeding ticket in the mail with my drunk daughter's picture on it. She was waving at the camera. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2011 at 12:15am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I spent 30 minutes listening to my grandmother telling us that my cat is a medium. My boyfriend is totally convinced. FML

by inchetogb / 01/14/2011 at 11:24pm / United States (Kentucky) / Animals

Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML

by Gabriel A / 01/14/2011 at 11:05pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I mailed out a college application that is going to another country. I paid $250 for the application and $11 for shipping. I just realized that I forgot to sign the bottom of the application. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2011 at 8:05pm / United States (California) / Money

Today, while playing with my cat, she decided to give me a surprise nipple piercing with her claws. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2011 at 3:53pm / United States (Ohio) / Animals