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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of someone having sex in the room next to me. I don't have a roommate. Turns out my mom thought I was out of town and used her extra key to bring a guy over for sex. FML

#8131977
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22185) - you deserved it (2037)

On 02/11/2010 at 2:40pm - intimacy - by yourstruly - United States (Georgia)

Today, I took Ambien for the first time. Not only did I not fall asleep, but I took my mother through a list of all the men I've slept with. I do not remember a thing, but apparently I was very thorough. FML

#8130787
177 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24114) - you deserved it (5826)

On 02/11/2010 at 1:42pm - misc - by tammyg - United States

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

#8130658
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23428) - you deserved it (4902)

On 02/11/2010 at 1:35pm - misc - by Nick (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I read my mom's Facebook status. It said, "So sick of kids, can't wait for Vegas this week!" My dad, along with 12 others, liked it. I didn't even know she was going to Vegas. FML

#8129133
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25870) - you deserved it (4337)

On 02/11/2010 at 12:09pm - kids - by kbeavv - United States (Maryland)

Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML

#8125796
224 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27518) - you deserved it (7050)

On 02/11/2010 at 9:07am - work - by Prodigy (man) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I was babysitting. The kid said he had to use the bathroom. When I told him to go ahead, he said he just did. He was on my lap. He wasn't wearing pants. FML

#8125309
187 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23347) - you deserved it (7260)

On 02/11/2010 at 8:33am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I found out that I was not adopted and in fact my parents are my biological parents. How did I find out? Over dinner. How long have I been believing I was adopted? 22 years. Why did I start believing I was adopted? My siblings thought it would be a funny joke. My mom played along. FML

#8124338
215 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45756) - you deserved it (3170)

On 02/11/2010 at 7:22am - misc - by Biological (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was eating in the food court at the mall by myself but then a cute guy from my school offers to sit by me, I say yes of course, he then asks me for a french fry. Later on I realize he has eaten half my meal. He only wanted to sit by me for my food. FML

#8122444
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24855) - you deserved it (6202)

On 02/11/2010 at 4:12am - love - by purpledp12 - United States

Today, I was taking a dump in a public restroom. Minding my own business, I heard somebody go into an adjacent stall. It was dead silent and I don't think he knew I was in there. I thought I heard him scratching his arm or something. I was wrong. He was jacking off. I had to listen to it all. FML

#8122396
145 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20082) - you deserved it (2758)

On 02/11/2010 at 4:09am - intimacy - by stewiesclone - United States

Today, I was standing at the top of the stairs petting my dog. The doorbell rang and my dog bolted down the stairs, tripping me. I fell down the whole flight of stairs backwards. Turns out the person at the door was my brother who had locked himself out. I almost died for no reason. FML

#8118993
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24352) - you deserved it (4724)

On 02/11/2010 at 1:14am - love - by sari14 - United States (Virginia)

Today, I hooked up with a guy who has a Facebook page for his cat. FML

#8117396
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10416) - you deserved it (36379)

On 02/11/2010 at 12:33am - intimacy - by CatWoman (woman) - United States (District of Columbia)

Today, I was listening to my favorite radio station outta Detroit. A commercial came on for a program that was giving federal grants to people who were going into a trade, like me. Right as I was getting excited I heard the words "brought to you by the government of Canada." FML

#8116532
184 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18821) - you deserved it (4980)

On 02/11/2010 at 12:13am - work - by brit - United States (Colorado)

Today, I got my new work schedule. I really need the hours. The boss says he can't give me more because the economy is bad. However, he did find enough hours to hire his son last week. This week? Most of my hours were erased and given to the new employee; his daughter. FML

#8116089
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25928) - you deserved it (1870)

On 02/11/2010 at 12:03am - work - by suuuucks (woman) - United States (Oregon)



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