FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by way of making me an account on an online dating site. He then emailed me the account information and left. FML

by Anonymous / 03/14/2011 at 1:22pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, my girlfriend asked me to hold her purse while shopping. All of a sudden, a robber punched me in the face and took her purse. She started crying about her purse and told me to get off the ground because I was embarrassing her. FML

by alex / 03/14/2011 at 10:44am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, while practicing my gymnastics routine on the uneven bars, I was so distracted by my teammates' conversation about a party later that I miscalculated my flip and smacked my head on a bar. Ten stitches and a concussion later, I was left alone in the hospital. FML

by Anonymous / 03/14/2011 at 12:49am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, my dog started barking very aggressively. Thinking she'd started another gruesome fight with my older dog, I jumped up from the couch, spilling my coffee all over my laptop and dress, and knocked over a vase my grandmother gave me. She was barking at her own shadow. FML

by spaz / 03/13/2011 at 9:49pm / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, eating my weight in breadsticks at Olive Garden and trying to relive my childhood via a pogo stick was not a good combination. My new shoes are now a different color. FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2011 at 8:20pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a seizure. My dad responded by saying it always happens with my disease. I never have had a disease. Now I have to wait for my dad to stop yelling at my mom about not telling me, so I can ask what I have in the first place. FML

by aldfgadfklbg / 03/13/2011 at 7:08pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, in an attempt to impress a girl I like, I tried to crush a soda can by hitting it with my forehead. Not only did I fail, I knocked myself out in the process. When I regained consciousness, the girl was gone and someone had taken the liberty of drawing a penis on my face. FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2011 at 6:26pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to wait an hour in the awful rain for my mom to pick me up, because she didn't realize the clocks had gone forward already. FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2011 at 5:51pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went out for some very expensive sushi. Two hours later, I found myself on the toilet, violently voiding my bowels. I essentially paid to have liquid orange shit. FML

by sushi hater / 03/13/2011 at 2:55pm / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, I went to the doctor for an infection from where a cat bit me while I was sleeping. Where that cat came from and how it got into my bedroom I will never know. FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2011 at 9:19am / United States (Tennessee) / Animals

Today, a cop rear-ended me. Then I received a ticket from him for driving too far under the speed limit. We were in a school zone. FML

by randinosaur / 03/13/2011 at 8:48am / United States (Delaware) / Transportation

Today, after a few beers, I was exiting the bathroom of a loud house party when the door jammed. I had to climb out through the shower window. It was fool proof until my foot got stuck. I hung outside the house upside down in the dark yelling for an hour before someone figured out where I was. FML

by Sparks / 03/13/2011 at 3:39am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came down with painful sores in my mouth, just after having gotten over a cold. Apparently I'm allergic to the cough drops I've been eating for the past week to make myself feel better. FML

by Rawrssa / 03/13/2011 at 12:52am / United States (Washington) / Health