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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was in my basement when I saw a giant cricket on the floor. I found an old plastic bottle of orange paint to drop on it and did so from about five feet up. The bottle exploded and splattered the walls and floor like a crime scene. The cricket hopped away untouched. FML

#12983300
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6523) - you deserved it (48452)

On 09/09/2010 at 10:09pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I saw a pregnant woman fall off her moped. As I helped her back up, I asked if her baby was okay. I was then blindsided by her brick of a purse while she screeched, "I'm not pregnant!" FML

#12978486
247 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31929) - you deserved it (14034)

On 09/09/2010 at 4:09pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, at dinner, my grandmother informed us that my cousin's newborn baby has been having seizures. My verbal filter did not switch on in time and I replied, "It's not a seizure if you're shaking it." FML

#12978436
236 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9843) - you deserved it (42005)

On 09/09/2010 at 4:04pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I received an email from an ex who I haven't heard from in two years. Excited that it might be her asking if we could meet up, I opened it. It was a virus. FML

#12978381
160 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33081) - you deserved it (9011)

On 09/09/2010 at 3:58pm - love - by kevdev (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, while eating lunch, one of my friends told a joke that made everyone at the table laugh. Apparently, the guy standing behind me overheard and was laughing too. So much in fact that he spewed the red Gatorade he was drinking all over the back of my white shirt and hair. FML

#12977321
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28828) - you deserved it (2385)

On 09/09/2010 at 2:05pm - misc - by gatorhead - United States (Georgia)

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML

#12972343
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31888) - you deserved it (4492)

On 09/09/2010 at 1:33am - intimacy - by karebear - United States

Today, my neighbor came up to me, lowered her voice and said, "I suggest you buy some drapes for your bedroom dear..." When she started to walk away, she added, "...and a gym membership." FML

#12971497
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27893) - you deserved it (9985)

On 09/09/2010 at 12:33am - misc - by niccy (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I got circumcised. After the surgery, my girlfriend got drunk and texted all of her friends about it. FML

#12969357
150 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30159) - you deserved it (5581)

On 09/08/2010 at 10:15pm - health - by Chester (Seattle) - United States (Washington)

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for the chicken I bought four days ago. I finally found it - not in the refrigerator, not in the freezer, but in the trunk of my car, which now smells like a dead animal. FML

#12968691
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8348) - you deserved it (29625)

On 09/08/2010 at 9:33pm - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I found out that I drunkenly texted my boss yesterday asking for nude pictures. He sent them. I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow. FML

#12967216
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16067) - you deserved it (38560)

On 09/08/2010 at 8:11pm - intimacy - by WTF?!?! - United States (Florida)

Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML

#12966386
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28287) - you deserved it (9471)

On 09/08/2010 at 7:14pm - intimacy - by undoable - United States (Illinois)

Today, after being with my boyfriend for seven years, he finally proposed. To another woman. FML

#12964178
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46543) - you deserved it (3999)

On 09/08/2010 at 3:46pm - love - by onthemarket (woman) - United States (Oklahoma)

Today, I went to move my dog that had been napping in the middle of my bed for the last few hours, only to discover that he wasn't napping. He died. FML

#12964017
282 comments

I agree, your life sucks (64285) - you deserved it (3407)

On 09/08/2010 at 3:23pm - animals - by jrad - United States (Georgia)



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