FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I went out to my car only to find my battery had died the night before. With the wind chill, it was -20°F outside. With the hood open, and jumper cables in one hand, I tried to flag down a passing motorist for help. A man in a truck slowed down, sarcastically waved at me, and kept driving. FML

by dwhitehouse / 01/21/2011 at 4:50pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Transportation

Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML

by turnedintoinsomniac / 01/21/2011 at 2:46pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, my ex boyfriend apologized for being a jerk to me and threatening our relationship. When he was done, he asked if his apology earned him enough points for a blowjob. FML

by IHateDumbExs / 01/21/2011 at 12:15pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I braved the winter weather conditions to get to a clinic for a prescription anti-diarrhea medication. When I arrived to find it closed, I turned around to walk to my car where I slipped on the ice. The impact made me simultaneously bruise my elbow and shit myself. FML

by chelseaface / 01/21/2011 at 10:13am / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, I treated myself to a cheeseburger. I left it on my coffee table while I grabbed a napkin from the kitchen. While I was gone my dog ate it. Then puked it up all over my carpet. Which I then had to clean up. FML

by twinkie2 / 01/21/2011 at 3:35am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I hit a dead deer that had been left in the middle of the road. My car started to make a funny noise and smell, so I pulled over to check it, thinking I blew the tire on some antlers. The deer got stuck in my front wheel, and I'd dragged it more than a mile. And it wasn't actually dead. FML

by Anonymous / 01/21/2011 at 1:38am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, I found out how hard a lemon is to the nuts when being hurled by an angry girlfriend for losing at Wii Sports. FML

by neverhavingkids / 01/20/2011 at 9:24pm / United States (California) / Geek

Today, my extremely superstitious girlfriend called me and said she couldn't make it to the date I had planned tonight. Her reason? "I sense something horrible is going to happen." I was planning to propose. FML

by fianceeless / 01/20/2011 at 8:15pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I called the college of my dreams to check the status of my application. Turns out they "never received" copies of my transcripts. They did however cash the $70 application fee that was mailed with them. FML

by Anonymous / 01/20/2011 at 7:10pm / United States (Washington) / Money

Today, I dozed off during a lecture. When I woke up, I didn't recognize any of the people surrounding me, and I saw one guy pointing and laughing at me. It turns out, my professor instructed everyone to let me sleep because he wanted to see how long it would be before I woke up. I was asleep three hours. FML

by Anonymous / 01/20/2011 at 3:05pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when a large lady and her friend blocked the aisle I was trying to go down. After saying, "Excuse me," twice and being ignored, I pushed my way through. After getting past, I looked back and noticed she was glaring at me while signing to her friend. FML

by Anonymous / 01/20/2011 at 2:34pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was supposed to go on a date with a guy who lives on the same floor as me in my apartment complex. I got stood up. Instead I got to listen to him doing the girl who lives next door to me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/20/2011 at 3:52am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I came to school really sick because I had to take an important exam. After I finally finished, I accidentally sneezed on my answer sheet right before turning it in. The teacher refused to take it. FML

by sickly / 01/20/2011 at 12:47am / United States (Texas) / Health