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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was building new fixtures at work. As I assembled the top holding bar on the second section, my boss came up and smacked it to try and scare me. She knocked the top holding bar, which is made of steel, onto my head, and then all the sections went on to fall like dominoes. FML

Today, I parked and noticed a car that was identical to mine across from me. I thought it was an amusing coincidence until I came back to find both cars trashed. At least the vandal realized their mistake and left a note saying, "You deserve it for having the same car as that cheater, asshole!" FML

#8743976
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38409) - you deserved it (2594)

On 03/01/2010 at 8:17am - misc - by GuiltByTenuousAssociation (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I opened my closet to get my uniform to get ready for work, and found the cat my step-mom was looking for the night before. Apparently, it snuck in there and was too stupid to miaow to be let out, but had no problem pissing all over all my stuff. FML

#8741941
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22642) - you deserved it (2964)

On 03/01/2010 at 3:30am - animals - by mav3rick91 (man) - United States (California)

Today, after finalizing my divorce, I decided to go out with a guy I had been ogling for months, after much anticipation and a few rounds of drinks at the bar, I was ready to roll. Much to my disappointment, his penis was so small the condom wouldn't stay on. FML

#8741180
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23510) - you deserved it (7581)

On 03/01/2010 at 2:30am - intimacy - by Lovejunkie (woman) - United States (Oklahoma)

Today, I saw a man on the bus with the strangest band shirt I have ever seen. I could not help but stare at it and try and figure what the band was, until he turned to me and said "why not take a picture asshole?" then got off the bus. As he walked away I saw that he was missing an arm. FML

#8737803
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26522) - you deserved it (5730)

On 03/01/2010 at 12:23am - misc - by theholt (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, after ten minutes of squishing my boobs together for my boyfriend, trying to get him to stare, he glanced at them then blankly said "I've seen better tits on my mom, so baby just stop that" and smiled. FML

#8737489
144 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27323) - you deserved it (6851)

On 03/01/2010 at 12:13am - intimacy - by oboy - United States

Today, I was wearing my favorite silk sweater, one I actually paid full price for. I sat down in my desk chair to work, and when I tried to get up I felt a strange pull. A corner of my sweater is still stuck in the screw at the back of the chair, the rest is in the trash. FML

#8736997
37 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20805) - you deserved it (3325)

On 03/01/2010 at 12:01am - misc - by dangit (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I was arrested for DWI in my own apartment complex. I had to be released into the custody of a sober adult, but I wasn't allowed access to my phone to get any numbers. I only have a few memorized. So I was picked up from jail by my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé - my manager at work. FML

#8733568
150 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18693) - you deserved it (15896)

On 02/28/2010 at 10:46pm - misc - by Ben - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, I got excited because I found a chat line for teens who are dealing with depression. I signed up and was about to enter the chat room and then a message popped up that said ''Sorry this is only available for teens in the United Kingdom.'' FML

#8732304
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23484) - you deserved it (3908)

On 02/28/2010 at 10:16pm - health - by Hannah - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was lobstering. While I was getting bands, my co-worker decided it would be funny to make a lobster pinch my ear. it was a 4 pound lobster, and my ear was swollen for 5 hours. FML

#8731287
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19817) - you deserved it (2372)

On 02/28/2010 at 9:42pm - work - by Fonzie34 (man) - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, I was loading a very large box into my hatchback. I was really struggling, and a few people walked by and laughed. Then a car pulled up and waited for the spot. There isn't a spring to hold my trunk open, so it slammed onto my head. Twice. The car honked for me to hurry up. FML

#8729495
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24004) - you deserved it (2173)

On 02/28/2010 at 8:53pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was on a crowded el train listening to my iPod touch. As I stepped off the train, my headphones got caught on a man's jacket and my iPod fell on the floor. The doors shut. I then watched the train pull away. With my iPod on it. FML

#8726877
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30495) - you deserved it (3846)

On 02/28/2010 at 7:34pm - money - by rybread (man) - United States

Today, my younger sister said that she was going to pray for her brother's HIV. I have Primary Immune Disease (PID) not HIV. School will be very interesting tomorrow. FML

#8725827
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24659) - you deserved it (1587)

On 02/28/2010 at 7:03pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maryland)



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