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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I turned 18. My parents remembered that I loved German chocolate cake, so I awoke to a hot, fudge-filled chocolate cake with a slice cut out just for me. I've been lactose-intolerant for 8 years. As I cried, my mom handed me tissues, while eating the "Happy" part of my cake. FML

#13006773
311 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28306) - you deserved it (5431)

On 09/11/2010 at 5:46pm - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

#13005397
300 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42334) - you deserved it (10210)

On 09/11/2010 at 3:25pm - intimacy - by gorillalove - United States (Texas)

Today, I woke up late to an urgent voicemail from my dad telling me he left me a present in my car. Excited, I went to investigate. I then saw that his "surprise" was fresh fish he had caught. I hate fish, and now my car stinks. FML

#12999692
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25240) - you deserved it (3444)

On 09/11/2010 at 2:19am - misc - by ~JESSICA~ - United States

Today, I found out why I had been waking up feeling like crap for the past week. I found tufts of cat fur in my pillow case, and I am allergic to cats. My little brother thought I would get so sick, and he could have my XBox. FML

#12999181
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31318) - you deserved it (2455)

On 09/11/2010 at 1:31am - health - by fuzzy1895 (man) - United States (Nebraska)

Today, I was moving. While packing, I found an old photo that had been laying face down in the bottom of a drawer for some time, and some of the ink transfered to the drawer lining. There is now an image of my ex-girlfriend's face permanently burned into the bottom of my nightstand drawer. FML

#12998740
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30298) - you deserved it (5557)

On 09/11/2010 at 12:53am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I woke up very excited because I was going on my first date with this guy I really liked. I dressed very nicely and went to where we were supposed to meet. I waited for about 2 hours. I called him to ask him where he was. He got angry because he was still sleeping and I woke him up. FML

#12998632
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34545) - you deserved it (3591)

On 09/11/2010 at 12:47am - love - by Anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, I went to a school football game alone. I sat next to these hot girls. To seem cool, I picked up my phone and had a fake conversation with the coolest guy in the grade. Halfway through, he came over and talked to the girls. FML

#12997934
161 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8115) - you deserved it (59962)

On 09/11/2010 at 12:01am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, while I was driving, a police officer jumped out from the sidewalk and into my lane. I slammed on the brakes so I wouldn't hit him. He then gave me a ticket for "obstructing traffic". FML

#12995746
161 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32390) - you deserved it (2427)

On 09/10/2010 at 9:44pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I met my fiancée's parents for the first time. Her dad was telling me how he's not rich but not poor either. I replied, "Well, as long as you're not a garbage man!" Guess what his profession is. FML

#12994880
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12025) - you deserved it (39829)

On 09/10/2010 at 8:39pm - misc - by charlie043 (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my dad squirted water at me. Fortunately, I blocked it. Unfortunately, I blocked it with my new $200 camera. FML

#12992110
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19064) - you deserved it (23186)

On 09/10/2010 at 4:40pm - misc - by coolcucumber (woman) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, at school, everybody wanted to be my partner for a project. This surprised me because nobody ever wants to be with me. Turns out when I was absent, my teacher promised that whoever was my partner would get extra points on the project. FML

#12990617
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38036) - you deserved it (3203)

On 09/10/2010 at 2:09pm - misc - by anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, my 8 year old adopted daughter told me she wants me to take her back so another family can adopt her because I don't give her enough toys. FML

#12989156
206 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39939) - you deserved it (4464)

On 09/10/2010 at 10:56am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, at work, I leaned back in a chair too far, causing me to tip over and smash my head into a wall. If that wasn't enough damage, my boss keeps replaying the security footage to everyone I work with. My head hurts not from the fall, but the loud laughter that keeps coming from inside the office. FML

#12987645
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14915) - you deserved it (21776)

On 09/10/2010 at 6:02am - work - by hard_headed (woman) - United States (Texas)



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