FMLs submitted from United States

Today, it's the 3 month anniversary marking the day two friends and I shaved our heads as a show of solidarity for a friend starting chemo. Her prognosis is good and her hair only thinned slightly. We, on the other hand, look like a motley crew of lesbian biker chicks. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2011 at 2:09am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2011 at 2:09am / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, after work, I came home to my boyfriend sleeping on the couch. Feeling romantic, I started to undo his pants. My reward was him waking up and kneeing me in the eye. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2011 at 12:52am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I posted a status on Facebook saying I was depressed and needed someone to talk to. Someone commented on it saying "Just kill yourself". It got 20 likes. FML

by Zmeilerr / 01/15/2011 at 12:38am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, we got a speeding ticket in the mail with my drunk daughter's picture on it. She was waving at the camera. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2011 at 12:15am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I spent 30 minutes listening to my grandmother telling us that my cat is a medium. My boyfriend is totally convinced. FML

by inchetogb / 01/14/2011 at 11:24pm / United States (Kentucky) / Animals

Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML

by Gabriel A / 01/14/2011 at 11:05pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I mailed out a college application that is going to another country. I paid $250 for the application and $11 for shipping. I just realized that I forgot to sign the bottom of the application. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2011 at 8:05pm / United States (California) / Money

Today, while playing with my cat, she decided to give me a surprise nipple piercing with her claws. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2011 at 3:53pm / United States (Ohio) / Animals

Today, I clocked into work completely exhausted despite having gone to bed early. My roommates stayed up until 4am watching a movie, blasting music, and constantly giggling like madwomen. This is their "new and improved" schedule. FML

by hoops / 01/14/2011 at 3:34pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a rude awakening after a traffic accident the day before. I'd fled the scene to avoid having to pay hefty damage fines. I would have gotten away with it too, if my license plate hadn't fallen off and incriminated me. FML

by calidumbass / 01/14/2011 at 2:43pm / United States / Money

Today, after staying up all night at my friend's house, I woke up to something I couldn't identify on my cheek, so I slapped it away. When I heard crying, I opened my eyes and realized it was my friend's three year old sister who was trying to be sweet by kissing me on the cheek. FML

by ash / 01/14/2011 at 1:22pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I got off work and checked my makeup in the mirror once I got in my car. I had a huge piece of spinach on my front tooth that no one told me about. I work the front desk of an upscale hotel and have been greeting guests all day. FML

by embarassed / 01/14/2011 at 5:11am / United States (Idaho) / Work