FMLs submitted from United States

Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2011 at 10:44pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, I was in the Cafeteria at a table near the guy I like. He was playing around with a ball with a couple of his friends. They dropped it, and it rolled over next to my foot. When I bent down to pick it up, I smashed my head against a chair. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2011 at 9:58pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend spent an hour lecturing me on how I need to ask for what I want. So I asked him to delete a crappy picture he'd taken of me the night before. His response: "No, you don't always get what you want." FML

by ugh / 01/19/2011 at 2:19pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, at work, I helped out an employee who was having trouble. I even bought her a bottle of water. After the production manager decided to fire her on the spot, she went out in the parking lot and broke into several cars, including mine. FML

by peachesthepigeon / 01/19/2011 at 1:54pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, I planned on introducing my fiancé to my parents. After the introductions, and telling him how I hoped our relationship would have the same amount of love and commitment that has lasted my mother and father for 25 years, my parents awkwardly announced their imminent divorce. FML

by TearfulDaughter / 01/19/2011 at 12:45pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I called my boss and said "I have been awake since 3am throwing up." He replied with "Great, see you at 9" and hung up. FML

by gb739 / 01/19/2011 at 12:31pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, while I was sleeping I heard my girlfriend moaning. She was seemed to be having a wet dream. She moaned more in her dream than when having sex with me. FML

by lonerjik / 01/19/2011 at 7:05am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I worked out that if I paid the minimum monthly amount on my student loans, I'd be paying them until I'm 65. FML

by fuckall / 01/19/2011 at 6:05am / United States (Oregon) / Money

Today, I drove to buy new sneakers to work out and lose weight. Coming out of the store, I saw someone had parked too close to me. I had to beg a stranger to back my car out for me, because no matter how I tried, I couldn't get into the driver's seat. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2011 at 1:27am / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, I was going to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. I had awful diarrhea and was almost done, when I noticed a spider on the ground. Being terrified, I took a giant ball of toilet paper to kill it. I realized then that I had no toilet paper left to use. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2011 at 12:45am / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, my friends thought it'd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while I was sleeping. FML

by desertpunk75 / 01/18/2011 at 10:40pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I let my dogs out, and then realized they didn't have their electric fence collars on. I ran inside to get the collars, then dashed out to put them on my dogs. I ran through the electric fence. The collars were on. FML

by fml / 01/18/2011 at 8:49pm / United States (Tennessee) / Animals

Today, I took the time to make myself look nice just so that the pizza guy would think I had a life. FML

by sunshine19217 / 01/18/2011 at 6:07pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous