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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by your car pooping, they will chase you yelling, "Get out of my bathroom!" FML

#6166961
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30164) - you deserved it (3714)

On 11/05/2009 at 12:28pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I re-joined a popular on-line dating service. I first signed up 3 years ago and was matched with a wonderful woman. After about a year, she broke up with me. I was devastated. After two years of trying to win her back, I decided it's best just to move on. Guess who they matched me with? FML

#6166874
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37106) - you deserved it (4861)

On 11/05/2009 at 12:20pm - love - by z (man) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, before having morning sex, my girlfriend for over a year whispers to me "Do that thing you did at the Halloween party". There was no morning sex as I reminded her that I was sick with the flu then and didn't go with her to the party. FML

#6166479
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26369) - you deserved it (2356)

On 11/05/2009 at 11:38am - intimacy - by James (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I nearly sliced my nipple off while shaving my chest and had to go to the ER. Turns out it was a teaching hospital so I got to explain in front of two doctors and eight med students how, even though I'm a woman, my nipples are so hairy I have to shave them. FML

#6165427
136 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37740) - you deserved it (6282)

On 11/05/2009 at 9:22am - health - by HairyBoobs (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I got a call from the guy I have been seeing. I wasn't him. It was his wife wondering why I have her husband's number. FML

#6164155
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28924) - you deserved it (5886)

On 11/05/2009 at 5:12am - love - by scumbag (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I finally got the courage to go on a first date with this guy I had a crush on for months. It was such a big deal for me cause it was my first date ever. The first thing he says when we met was "I have to take a dump." I sat by myself for 10 minutes. FML

#6163003
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31713) - you deserved it (4952)

On 11/05/2009 at 1:41am - love - by dumper - United States

Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined up to order behind a guy I'd only met a few times. When he paid, he dropped his wallet, and I saw that he had a picture of me cut from the company newsletter, enlarged, and taped inside his wallet. FML

#6162921
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36011) - you deserved it (3527)

On 11/05/2009 at 1:36am - misc - by CreepyPaperDoll (woman) - United States (Maryland)

Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML

#6160580
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (5779) - you deserved it (27279)

On 11/04/2009 at 11:17pm - intimacy - by Metime (man) - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, I went to our school golf banquet, after being with the team and practicing every day for a few months with them. When it came time to get the certificates, all the names were called out. Except for mine. When I asked the coach where my certificate was, he said "Who are you?". FML

#6158191
35 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29777) - you deserved it (2806)

On 11/04/2009 at 9:12pm - misc - by RKE (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, after I bathed my nine month old, I laid her on my bed to grab a diaper. I turned around to see that she'd peed on my comforter. I then put her in her playpen to put my cover in the wash. I came back into the room to get her, and saw she'd taken off her diaper. She'd crapped in her playpen. FML

#6157147
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29051) - you deserved it (7712)

On 11/04/2009 at 8:23pm - kids - by raebay (woman) - United States (Mississippi)

Today, I stepped away from my desk for a few minutes only to return to find the general manager installing updates on my computer. This wouldn't have been an issue had I not pulled up a website explaining in great detail the effects and causes of vaginal yeast infections. FML

#6156368
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9865) - you deserved it (26392)

On 11/04/2009 at 7:40pm - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, while walking to work, I accidentally dropped my $400 cell phone on the sidewalk. The screen shattered into a million pieces. A woman passing by looked at the ruined phone and said, "Now that's what you call a dropped call!" She laughed and kept walking. FML

#6154190
204 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33471) - you deserved it (16828)

On 11/04/2009 at 5:37pm - misc - by Cellismasher (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML

#6153235
182 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43769) - you deserved it (7405)

On 11/04/2009 at 4:42pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (South Carolina)



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