FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML

by Jill / 04/09/2011 at 6:00pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I had to call AAA because not only did I lock my keys in the car, I also locked in my toddlers. FML

by Anonymous / 04/09/2011 at 2:37pm / United States / Kids

Today, I filed my taxes. As a divorcée with children, I was supposed to get $3,500 back from the IRS. Alas, my ex's new wife already filed with my children, who don't live with her. I now owe the IRS $250. FML

by fuckmylifeLulu / 04/09/2011 at 12:07pm / United States (Texas) / Money

Today, I found out via a Twitter post that my girlfriend is pregnant. FML

by Tweety / 04/09/2011 at 7:40am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I went on a date for the first time in eight months. He didn't make a move. I then asked if we were on a date. He said, "I don't know, I guess." I can't tell either. FML

by confused / 04/09/2011 at 4:08am / United States (California) / Love

Today, feeling social, I went to a bar. During a trip to the dimly lit restroom, I fixed my makeup, and carefully penciling my sparse eyebrows. After an evening of meeting new people, I went home. In my well-lighted restroom, I discovered that my eyebrow pencil was actually my bright red lip liner. FML

by 2classicNot2 / 04/09/2011 at 3:52am / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my cat is allergic to ME. No kidding. FML

by blehhx / 04/09/2011 at 1:32am / United States / Animals

Today, I found out that my now-ex slept with his not-so-ex the day before our wedding. FML

by WhatTheBleep / 04/09/2011 at 12:02am / United States (New Hampshire) / Love

Today, after getting up to press snooze on my alarm clock, I climbed back into bed. When I went to reach for the covers quickly because I was cold, I missed, yet still managed to pull back my fist with force punching myself in the face. I now have a bloody fat lip. FML

by FistFighter / 04/09/2011 at 12:01am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I finally confessed my feelings to my long time crush. He was the only one I've been able to muster up the courage to open up to. He replied "lmao" and hasn't texted back since. FML

by notfunny / 04/08/2011 at 9:39pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I was having some intense sex with my boyfriend. I was wailing so loud that my neighbors decided to call the police on us. According to them, it sounded like I was "being tortured to death". FML

by Anonymous / 04/08/2011 at 7:42pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, the highlight of my day was learning how to drain my dog's anal glands. FML

by tbright010 / 04/08/2011 at 6:48pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, while making my son lunch, he pooped, took off his diaper, stepped in it, and then climbed to the gate to call for me. When I arrived, he had a big smile on his face and exclaimed, "Look!" Shit footprints were everywhere. FML

by heathersmorin / 04/08/2011 at 3:18pm / United States (New York) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.