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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was working as a cashier and a woman brought up a suitcase. As I was ringing her up I checked inside like I'm supposed to and I very jokingly say, "Look at all the stuff you're stealing." She laughed nervously then hit me in the head with her heavy purse before running out of the store. FML

#7215986
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31540) - you deserved it (3991)

On 01/08/2010 at 11:35am - work - by WesJaz (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML

#7215962
175 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32304) - you deserved it (4115)

On 01/08/2010 at 11:32am - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I woke up and felt that my arm was sore. I got so drunk last night, I got an unprofessional tattoo of a penis. FML

#7213754
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8831) - you deserved it (44800)

On 01/08/2010 at 6:48am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my pet hedgehog thought it would be funny to roll around in the kitty litter. It was like washing a poopy cactus. FML

Today, my boss told me when I transfer to a Target in Orlando I should work in the clothing department. He said it would be a good way for me to meet chicks. I told him all the girls who work in clothing in that store are ugly as hell. Apparently his daughters work there. I never knew that. FML

#7210467
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8556) - you deserved it (27140)

On 01/08/2010 at 12:39am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I was texting this guy that I hooked up with yesterday. We were gonna do it again but he had basketball practice. I was talking to my friend about it, and sent her a text saying "Oh well. I have explosive diarrhea anyways." She wasn't replying, so I checked my sent box. I sent it to him. FML

#7209759
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8975) - you deserved it (22440)

On 01/08/2010 at 12:09am - intimacy - by weeble_wobbles09 (woman) - United States (California)

Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML

#7204414
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21863) - you deserved it (4570)

On 01/07/2010 at 8:07pm - intimacy - by oopsies (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML

#7203534
28 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16733) - you deserved it (6163)

On 01/07/2010 at 7:19pm - intimacy - by SlappyMcGee (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, while in class, I noticed that someone had really bad B.O. I was seated next to an extremely ill-mannered girl, so I figured it was her, and thought to myself that if it happened again, I'd tell her off. Once I got home and took off my jacket, I realized it was me. I forgot to put on deodorant. FML

#7201019
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (5439) - you deserved it (39531)

On 01/07/2010 at 4:44pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I did my workout at the gym instead of at home as I usually do, since I'm paranoid about people seeing up my shorts. I told myself to get over it, because it's impossible. After my extensive workout, I realized that there was a hole in the crotch of my shorts. FML

#7199308
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23668) - you deserved it (9481)

On 01/07/2010 at 1:56pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I was looking forward to coming home to a freshly-cooked meal. Coming home to a cowering dog, two inches of water on the floor, and being handed a mop is just as good, I guess. FML

#7199180
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23569) - you deserved it (3209)

On 01/07/2010 at 1:38pm - animals - by Flooded (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was going over some paperwork with my back to my office door. As I turn around, my boss enters and says my name loudly. I was startled so bad that I jumped, yelped, and a high-pitched fart snuck out. Everyone in the office now gives prior notice before dropping by the "fart guy's" office. FML

#7198601
42 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22351) - you deserved it (4025)

On 01/07/2010 at 12:44pm - work - by Mic (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

#7198357
153 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38589) - you deserved it (2446)

On 01/07/2010 at 12:22pm - intimacy - by Sanchez (man) - United States



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