FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was doing my grocery shopping, absent-mindedly wondering if my new diet was working. I got my answer when my panties fell down around my ankles. FML

by knickersdontfit / 01/26/2011 at 12:44pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML

by 123roomielover / 01/26/2011 at 12:40pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML

by lizzy1843 / 01/26/2011 at 9:48am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals

Today, I was denied food stamp assistance. Apparently, you need to work 20 hours a week while being a full time student to qualify or have a work study. I was recently suspended from my work study for calling off because my aunt died, and if I worked 20 hours a week, why would I need food stamps? FML

by Anonymous / 01/26/2011 at 9:41am / United States (New York) / Money

Today, I was dumped. I ran home and cried and ranted on and on to my mother. After about 10 minutes of talking, she threw a book at my face and said, "No wonder he dumped you! You can't shut up!" FML

by Anonymous / 01/26/2011 at 8:26am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, after mourning and making my girlfriend cancel her big birthday party, I found out my grandma didn't actually die. FML

by WronglySad619 / 01/26/2011 at 5:31am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I found out that I've been paying student fees for the wrong account. Apparently I have been paying for some other student's tuition. FML

by AlreadyInDebt / 01/26/2011 at 3:52am / United States (Wisconsin) / Money

Today, my college professor handed every student a note card and told us to rate his looks from 1 to 5. Is this what I pay $20,000 a year for? FML

by SLOMan90 / 01/26/2011 at 2:45am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I let my friend borrow my car. She parked it in a towing zone, and it was towed. The best part is, it was towed by a bogus towing company. The cops assure me it's safe in a chop shop somewhere. FML

by pedestrian / 01/26/2011 at 12:07am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to tell my boyfriend to stop inviting his mother on our dates. FML

by lovehim / 01/25/2011 at 4:16pm / United States (Connecticut) / Love

Today, I was released from jail. I had helped a three year old girl get up after falling on a wet floor at the mall last night when the security guards tasered me. Only this morning did they tell me they had mistaken me for a child molester that looks a little bit like me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/25/2011 at 4:15pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML

by totallyscrewedomg / 01/25/2011 at 12:11pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my uncle had a flashback to Vietnam. I'm now missing a tooth and have a cracked rib. FML

by Randall / 01/25/2011 at 2:28am / United States (California) / Health