FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I found out that the white marks on my pillow aren't from me drooling in my sleep like I originally thought. My roommate used my pillow to help support her lower back during intercourse with her hookup from last night. FML

by KaraAnn17 / 02/12/2011 at 11:29am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, a police officer gave me a ticket for smoking. He told me that my parents would have to be contacted to come pick me up. My drunk dad came to the rescue, and almost hit the police car. Way to go dad. FML

by savanna(: / 02/12/2011 at 3:05am / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a notice in the mail saying I had been fired from my job. My dad's the boss, who I happen to live with. FML

by Austin / 02/12/2011 at 2:50am / United States (California) / Work

Today, while shopping in the baby department at a local department store, a woman approached me asking when I was due. I told her that I was due in 4 months. I lied. I'm not pregnant. FML

by Liar Liar / 02/12/2011 at 2:50am / United States / Health

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

by courtbabbbby / 02/12/2011 at 1:30am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend's parents walked in on us having sex. Not only did her dad make me walk out to my truck with no clothes on, he is my baseball coach and I will be seeing him on Monday. FML

by Keith walk / 02/12/2011 at 12:59am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I texted her and I would never talk to her again. But I accidentally sent it to my other best friend, who responded, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out". My two best friends cheated with my boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 02/12/2011 at 12:19am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I thought it would be fun to drive into a stack of some empty cardboard boxes on my street. They weren't empty. FML

by 2dumb2drive / 02/11/2011 at 11:06pm / United States / Transportation

Today, after informing my boss I needed stress leave from my 70 hour a week shifts, I got my new work assignment. Sixty hours a week starting at 2am. FML

by NotAMorningPerson / 02/11/2011 at 11:02pm / United States (Louisiana) / Work

Today, my mom left me at home with a babysitter. I'm 17. FML

by allgrowedup / 02/11/2011 at 10:10pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, in an effort to make new friends in my history class, I sat in the empty seat next to a friendly-looking guy. He got up, walked away, and sat down in a different seat. FML

by loner / 02/11/2011 at 7:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that as a result of working in an office which has an oddly-placed window, the direct sunlight has caused the left side of my face to become significantly darker than the right. Just call me Harvey Dent. FML

by Anonymous / 02/11/2011 at 1:15pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I went to get a facial. I forgot my contact case so I put them into paper cup. My beautician thought it was leftover water from someone else, and threw my only pair of vision aid away. I scuttled home half blind. FML

by blinded / 02/11/2011 at 11:14am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous