FMLs submitted from United States

Today, on the way home from the dog groomer, my great Dane had a bout of diarrhea in the car. I slammed on the brakes and my other freshly shampooed dog slid off the seat and into the pile of crap. FML

by StinkyDogs / 03/27/2011 at 6:06am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I learned, 15 years later, that my puppy from when I was 4, was not taken by Santa because he was in need of a reindeer. My parents took him to the shelter because they thought he was ugly. FML

by leeseyxoxo / 03/27/2011 at 2:10am / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, after 3 years at my job I received a 14% raise. I was informed I will be transitioned from hourly to salary. I will now be making $1500 LESS than I made last year. FML

by fml / 03/26/2011 at 9:28pm / United States / Money

Today, I was going to my prom. My mom knows I want to drink so to prevent me, she made sure I took my prescription medicine before I left. I guess her way of stopping me from drinking is killing myself If I do. FML

by coolkid111 / 03/26/2011 at 8:26pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, my girfriend of two years told me she wasn't actually a lesbian and our relationship was more of a 'learning experience'. FML

by Anonymous / 03/26/2011 at 6:26pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I had such a violent coughing fit that my stomach emptied itself all over the floor while at my sales job. FML

by burntloyalty / 03/26/2011 at 4:54pm / United States / Health

Today, I co-starred in a production of Hamlet. Halfway through play, the actor playing Hamlet forgot his lines, threw a raging temper tantrum, screaming about how much he hated the play and how he wanted to go home in front of hundreds of audience members. FML

by Sue / 03/26/2011 at 11:41am / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, I was hiking, and four miles away from my car and civilization, I tripped over a rock into a cactus. I used duct tape, which ripped all the hair off my arms and legs but ignored the spikes. FML

by Broderick / 03/26/2011 at 2:32am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I was sitting in Walmart and I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with "You know I'm a guy right?" FML

by Anonymous / 03/26/2011 at 2:24am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister presented me with an "official pet killer" award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes. FML

by fish killer / 03/25/2011 at 5:52pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, to celebrate my older sister's 21st birthday, my parents forced me to take the night off work so we could all go to the casino. Not only is this coming out of my vacation, I wasn't old enough to enter the casino, so I had to sit in the car. FML

by Anonymous / 03/25/2011 at 3:25pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at the mall with my friends, when a creepy man sat at the table next to us, and started rubbing his crotch, his gaze never leaving my feet. FML

by ewww / 03/25/2011 at 1:31pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I like. All of a sudden, he pulls out a small vial of his blood to give to me, proving his undying love. Curious, I asked where he had gotten the blood. His answer? A razor blade. In his nose. FML

by radicaloser / 03/25/2011 at 4:50am / United States (Oregon) / Health