FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML

by fmyhabit / 04/15/2011 at 1:34am / United States (Utah) / Intimacy

Today, I got dressed up for the first time in days to go have sushi with a friend. When I walked out to my car, I noticed that the passenger window was shattered and the car robbed. What's worse is I'd forgotten to lock the side doors anyway. FML

by markyvilla / 04/14/2011 at 9:09pm / United States / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend finally let me take his dog on a walk, after two years of not trusting me to keep her safe. During the walk, a car drove by, causing her to run after it and pulling the leash out of my hand. Five hours later, and I still can't find her. FML

by ciararow / 04/14/2011 at 7:29pm / United States / Animals

Today, I gave myself a bloody nose while trying to show my brother how to use a yo-yo. FML

by Omegared / 04/14/2011 at 6:12pm / United States / Health

Today, I confronted my husband about him being unfaithful. He said his reasons were because he's just not attracted to me anymore and my current weight repulses him. I'm six months pregnant with his child. FML

by Pregnant / 04/14/2011 at 2:28pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I made my young niece lunch. After she claimed to have eaten it all, she wanted to go out and play. I was putting my shoes on when I found part of the sandwich I made her stuffed in my shoe. FML

by Anonymous / 04/14/2011 at 1:35pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML

by Anonymous / 04/14/2011 at 1:49am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, my roommate told me there is some restricted number that keeps calling and waking her up at odd hours of the night. She then says she's getting the police involved to find out who it is because she feels "harassed". I'm the restricted caller calling to wake her up from snoring so loud. FML

by wowimscrewed / 04/14/2011 at 12:37am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I freaked out when the remote wouldn't unlock my car. I stood in the rain trying to open the door. Unsure of what to do next, I called my boyfriend. He told me to "put the key in the door". I had forgotten about that option. FML

by andimanastudent / 04/13/2011 at 5:44pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Transportation

Today, my teacher told me I wasn't pretty enough to play the princess part in the play. FML

by sophie / 04/13/2011 at 12:36pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had an allergic reaction to cranberry juice. The only reason I was drinking cranberry juice was to help with a bladder infection. Now I'm covered in what looks like a rash and peeing constantly. FML

by Arghh / 04/13/2011 at 9:34am / United States (Minnesota) / Health

Today, I was watching TV and started freaking out thinking I forgot to tell my boyfriend happy anniversary. I wrote him a text and after it sent, I realized the date is mine and my ex's anniversary date. FML

by Zebracat / 04/13/2011 at 2:15am / United States / Love

Today, I had my girlfriend drive me to go buy a motorcycle. I rode it 50 minutes home, got in the drive way, put the kick stand down, and then lost my balance and fell on the other side. I paid $3000 to drop it in the first hour and break the turn signal off. FML

by scottskidee / 04/12/2011 at 1:45pm / United States (Ohio) / Money