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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML

#5775465
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36910) - you deserved it (2363)

On 10/11/2009 at 12:48pm - misc - by prickly (man) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I finally had time to talk with my boyfriend. We had a nice long conversation, which included him telling me how much I meant to him and that we really need to see each other more often. He concluded the speech twenty minutes later with "Which is why I really hope we can stay friends". FML

#5774015
35 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31719) - you deserved it (2670)

On 10/11/2009 at 10:53am - love - by Oh_Well (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I realized I've been acting very paranoid lately. I was mugged a few weeks ago, so I've been nervous. I've been holding my hands in my pockets and looking around on my way outside from work. Apparently, that's grounds to arrest someone under suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon. FML

#5773283
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31854) - you deserved it (2852)

On 10/11/2009 at 9:21am - misc - by PackingSpaceHeat (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing hysterically and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML

#5770681
30 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26928) - you deserved it (2855)

On 10/11/2009 at 2:18am - misc - by foxbrat - United States (Hawaii)

Today, it was my 19th birthday. My boss let me out early to celebrate. On my way home I was hit by a man doing 65 in a 40mph stretch of road. My car was completely destroyed. I spent the rest of my birthday sitting in the ER being treated for a pinched shoulder nerve and whiplash. FML

#5769676
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38666) - you deserved it (2108)

On 10/11/2009 at 1:09am - health - by WhoDoYouLove6208 (man) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I had a UTI and the doctor said the medicine can sometimes make you leak a little. "Leak a little" apparently translates into peeing all over myself, my boyfriend, and his bed while we were sleeping. The doctor also said this medicine can stain your urine a beautiful, bright orange color. FML

#5769325
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32587) - you deserved it (2529)

On 10/11/2009 at 12:48am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I decided to see if electric dog collars work on human necks. They do. FML

#5769209
195 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7518) - you deserved it (107067)

On 10/11/2009 at 12:40am - health - by zappy (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I was invited to a birthday dinner at a restaurant. As I was leaving, I get a text from the birthday girl's boyfriend saying that it was cancelled. Hungry, I decided to go to that particular restaurant anyway. Turns out the party wasn't cancelled. Half the party just didn't want me there. FML

#5768887
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37297) - you deserved it (3772)

On 10/11/2009 at 12:24am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, my dad had something to tell me. He'd cleaned out my bank account to pay off 38,000 dollars worth of gambling debt. My wedding is in 5 months. FML

#5767098
158 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45626) - you deserved it (3593)

On 10/10/2009 at 10:59pm - money - by MadSon - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I went to work to find two new beautiful trainees. I thought maybe I might be able to hook up with one of them, so I walk up and flash my blue eyes and begin to act like a gentleman. Not five minutes into our conversation the girls ask me if there are any cute guys working here. FML

#5764838
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13490) - you deserved it (33889)

On 10/10/2009 at 9:04pm - work - by SadisticSatire (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, my oldest son answered my phone call much to my surprise as we haven't spoken in a year. The first words out of his mouth were, "I didn't mean to pick up the phone." He then hung up. FML

#5764278
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32841) - you deserved it (8063)

On 10/10/2009 at 8:30pm - kids - by Jer (man) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I am in a very long line at the supermarket, gazing about in complete boredom when I spot a lady cradling what appears to be a cute newborn baby. Being enamored of all babies, I get off the line, go over and say "Oh, what a cute little baby!" The lady was holding a coconut. FML

#5762381
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8108) - you deserved it (41657)

On 10/10/2009 at 6:35pm - misc - by BEE (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I had to chase my dog all the way down the street, watching in horror as she proudly showed all of my neighbors my bra. FML

#5761778
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27746) - you deserved it (5383)

On 10/10/2009 at 5:53pm - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)



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