FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was meeting up with a friend in a town. He said he was at the restaurant we were going to meet at; I was too. Turns out I was in the wrong town. FML

by CloroxDoggo / 11/23/2016 at 7:23pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent the busiest travel day of the year in the busiest airport in the world trapped between the decision to leave the terminal bathroom or shit my pants. Yes, I missed my flight. Sorry, mom. FML

by foodsicknessinATL / 11/23/2016 at 7:08pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I got engaged. I called my mom and told her. "You didn't say yes, did you?" she said. Afterwards, I told my dad. "Uh, Congratulations. But, I have questions." Thanks guys. FML

by porcelainleigh / 11/23/2016 at 2:41pm / United States / Love

Today, after struggling with breastfeeding and trying to build up my milk supply, I was finally able to pump a full 6 oz! I celebrated by immediately spilling it all over my lap. FML

by don't cry over spilled milk / 11/23/2016 at 9:33am / United States (Alaska) / Kids

Today, I told my mother I got engaged. Her reply was a great heaving sigh, followed by ,"OK… So how's work going?" She showed more excitement last week when my brother managed to properly make Kraft macaroni. FML

by KismetSiren / 11/23/2016 at 5:30am / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I got my dick sucked. Unfortunately, it was by the vacuum nozzle my cousin stuck down my pants. FML

by funnyERstory / 11/22/2016 at 11:31pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I had four separate allergic reactions. The first from the pillow at the hotel I was staying at, the second and third from two separate ice cream parlors due to cross-contamination, and the fourth from peanut dust in the air on the plane ride home from my vacation. FML

by Allergies suck / 11/22/2016 at 10:33am / United States (Connecticut) / Health

Today, I asked my husband if he wanted to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. He choked on his own spit to avoid answering the question. FML

by Husband / 11/22/2016 at 9:33am / United States (District of Columbia) / Holidays

Today, we finally got paperwork saying we were approved for a loan to buy a house! The only problem? It's not eligible for the county we live in. FML

by buttsmcgee / 11/22/2016 at 2:05am / United States (Oregon) / Money

Today, I yelled at a new employee for violating the company's makeup policy which is minimum coverage. She had red lipstick, very dark drawn eyebrows, and foundation that made her look like a ghost. She took out a makeup wipe and used it then showed me it, only to reveal she doesn't wear any. FML

by SorrySnowWhite / 11/21/2016 at 3:13pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife and I both got released from the hospital. She was admitted for the birth of our daughter. I was admitted with a broken arm from when my mother-in-law shoved me out of the way because she wanted to be the first one to hold the baby after my wife. FML

by Crazy In-Laws / 11/20/2016 at 5:54pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, I was the only sober person at a bonfire. After being hit in the eye with a snowball, taking people's keys away because they were too wasted to drive, making sure no one died and stabbing the bottom of my foot with a nail, I got to sleep in the snow. Without any blankets. FML

by Alaska fire / 11/19/2016 at 5:14pm / United States (Alaska) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my boss, who had promised me a raise, is not promoting me. He says I don't have the right 'vibe' and I'm not 'relaxed' enough for the job. FML

by nowbrokevaper / 11/19/2016 at 1:47pm / United States (California) / Work