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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. It went okay, so we exchanged numbers. An hour later, he started messaging me, asking for pictures of my poop. What.. the... hell? FML

#21460549
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20760) - you deserved it (1416)

On 08/25/2015 at 2:31pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, my cousin's husband argued adamantly that the Earth doesn't rotate, and treated me like an idiot when I explained why he was wrong. Not even a video from space of the Earth rotating convinced him. This idiot is a teacher. FML

#21460521
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23664) - you deserved it (1420)

On 08/25/2015 at 1:33pm - misc - by Schizomaniac (man) - United States

Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML

#21460410
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19884) - you deserved it (4983)

On 08/25/2015 at 3:32am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, while in line at the supermarket, I told the lady behind me that she had a cute baby. She shot me a disgusted look and straight up accused me of being a pedophile. FML

#21460397
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21155) - you deserved it (1395)

On 08/25/2015 at 2:49am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, after putting in 110% at my shitty job for two years straight, my boss told me point-blank I'm too good in my current position for him to ever be able to justify promoting me. FML

#21460378
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20117) - you deserved it (1297)

On 08/25/2015 at 1:51am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I awoke at two in the morning to my cat putting his most recent kill on my chest. When I jumped up screaming, the dead mouse went flying and now my husband and I can't find it. Better yet now both my husband and my cat are giving me the silent treatment. FML

#21460304
44 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19107) - you deserved it (1934)

On 08/24/2015 at 11:16pm - animals - by catlady - United States (New York)

Today, my dad took my phone away because I "had to be texting while driving in order to wreck my car." I was too ashamed to tell him that a huge bug flew into my face causing me to veer off the road and into a brick mailbox. FML

#21460295
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16303) - you deserved it (6399)

On 08/24/2015 at 10:56pm - misc - by Animeislyfe - United States (Georgia)

Today, I spent an hour trying to sleep before work, but I couldn't because my two dogs wouldn't stop barking. Completely pissed off, I finally went and told the little fuck nuggets to shut the shit up. I was then immediately knocked unconscious by the burglar in my house. FML

Today, I expressed my feelings to a guy I've liked for a long time. He basically turned me down because I have the same name as his mom, and dating me would be too weird. FML

#21460185
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18897) - you deserved it (1667)

On 08/24/2015 at 5:56pm - love - by wellthen - United States

Today, I was flirting with a cute girl at a club. She seemed into me and said I was hot. I said thanks and grinned. I guess my grin looked psychopathic, because her expression turned to horror and she quickly excused herself. That was the only girl who's ever shown any interest in me. FML

#21460121
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19175) - you deserved it (2026)

On 08/24/2015 at 3:18pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was just a few days away from starting the training for my promotion to management, which involved a healthy pay raise and full time benefits. Today, news came down that the company is filing for bankruptcy. FML

#21460116
30 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21432) - you deserved it (1296)

On 08/24/2015 at 2:59pm - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I was unaware that me losing my virginity was also breakup sex. FML

#21460101
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24609) - you deserved it (2264)

On 08/24/2015 at 2:08pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I was at my summer babysitting job. The family's dog puked on the carpet and I proceeded to clean it up with baking soda and a mix of water/vinegar. Instead of blending in with the other areas of the carpet, the one spot I cleaned is white while the other areas are still darkened by filth. FML

#21460085
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19740) - you deserved it (1964)

On 08/24/2015 at 1:32pm - work - by Anonymous - United States



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