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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML

#21258902
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22837) - you deserved it (6895)

On 09/15/2014 at 5:37pm - misc - by imamess (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, I babysat a 10 year old from hell. She kept insulting me, saying I have tiny boobs, that boys must hate me, and that I'm ugly. I eventually got fed up and put her to bed. When her parents came back, she ran out of her room in tears and told them I'd beaten her. They believed it. FML

#21258738
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33078) - you deserved it (1986)

On 09/15/2014 at 11:51am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, after politely reminding my husband to turn the bathroom light off after he's done, he did so. While I was on the toilet. FML

#21258522
54 comments

Today, I caught a customer using his fat to shoplift gum out of a store. FML

#21258420
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30921) - you deserved it (2360)

On 09/14/2014 at 11:07pm - work - by nocat6 (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I went deep-sea fishing with my friends. I told them my new phone case is waterproof, and I showed them by pouring a bit of water on it. My friend decided to throw it in the water for a better example. The case didn't float. FML

#21258099
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37594) - you deserved it (5996)

On 09/14/2014 at 2:47pm - misc - by HiImAlfredo (man) - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, I took my girlfriend of a year out on a date, a nice fancy dinner and a movie. After dinner, I said that I was feeling sick and just wanted to go home. I didn't have the heart to tell her that dinner was so expensive that I didn't have money for the movie. FML

#21258006
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38151) - you deserved it (7401)

On 09/14/2014 at 11:32am - love - by jgboy - United States (Illinois)

Today, I found my son trying to comb his hair with scissors. He's the same kid who thought that if he ate toothpaste, he would never have to brush his teeth again. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me that the necklace I gave her wasn't a "unique enough gift." I spent two weeks making that necklace, link by link. FML

#21257946
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38426) - you deserved it (2541)

On 09/14/2014 at 8:53am - love - by NoConfusion (man) - United States (California)

Today, I realized that my dog is a pro at pooping directly in shoes. FML

#21257810
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31075) - you deserved it (3093)

On 09/13/2014 at 11:38pm - animals - by new dog - United States (Maryland)

Today, I was going for my morning walk, when a guy in a massive truck drove up beside me, with a kid no more than 4 riding shotgun. I lost my faith in humanity when his tiny voice yelled through the window, "Nice ass!" FML

#21257417
159 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37723) - you deserved it (4200)

On 09/13/2014 at 10:39am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I had an important oral report to deliver with a partner. Not only did he come in late and high, he pronounced Virginia as "Vagina" the whole way through. FML

#21257414
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33534) - you deserved it (3008)

On 09/13/2014 at 10:36am - misc - by Jamestown of Vagina (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend. We were getting into the mood so I tried to eat the popcorn kind of sexually, causing me to choke on the popcorn and throw up. FML

#21257293
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30213) - you deserved it (14845)

On 09/13/2014 at 2:29am - misc - by Nat - United States (Texas)

Today, I ran one of the hardest cross-country courses in the country. I'm a pretty good runner, and I was feeling confident for the first mile. Then the chipotle from last night's dinner hit, and my legs weren't the only thing running. FML

#21257129
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34080) - you deserved it (8056)

On 09/12/2014 at 8:19pm - health - by Anonymous - United States (New York)



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