FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, I came home from work and went into the bathroom. I saw a poo on the toilet lid, and thinking it was a trick toy that my son had got to trick me, I picked it up. It wasn't a toy. FML

by AvengedSevenX / 02/03/2012 at 10:49am / United Kingdom (Glasgow City) / Kids

Today, my dad killed my pet rats. They were playing on the sofa, and he thought they were vermin. This would have been understandable if the reason he came over wasn't to meet them, and they hadn't been wearing bright pink walking harnesses. FML

by Anonymous / 02/03/2012 at 3:12am / United Kingdom (Nottinghamshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old daughter why she can't pull a duck face pose for her driver's license. She still doesn't believe me. FML

by Anonymous / 02/03/2012 at 2:58am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Kids

Today, I reached a new low in my relationship: my boyfriend got so drunk I had to help him take a piss. FML

by lillymean / 02/02/2012 at 8:02pm / United Kingdom (Southampton) / Love

Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that he purposely makes me angry, because when I'm angry, I clean, and it saves him having to do it himself. FML

by Anonymous / 02/02/2012 at 3:56pm / United Kingdom (Reading) / Love

Today, I flew to England to visit my boyfriend, who has been working there for the past three months. I went to his hotel and waited for him; he never showed up. I called one of his colleagues to ask him what was going on. He had no idea what I was talking about. FML

by mareda / 02/01/2012 at 2:31pm / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I drove home from work, only to find both my next-door neighbours loudly arguing in the middle of my driveway. I got out and asked them what the hell was going on, only to find out one of their inbred kids had put a brick through my back window, and each is claiming the other did it. FML

by Anonymous / 01/30/2012 at 6:45pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I hooked up with a guy I'm totally in love with. After finishing, he burst into tears about being in love with another girl. I had to comfort him. FML

by random / 01/29/2012 at 5:53am / United Kingdom (Nottingham) / Intimacy

Today, I finally made the last payment on the beautiful engagement ring I bought and proposed with - two years ago. To my ex-girlfriend, who said no and promptly started sleeping with one of my friends. FML

by brokeandsingle / 01/29/2012 at 4:55am / United Kingdom (York) / Love

Today, my wife made a joke about the size of my package, so figuring all's fair in love and war, I bought some laxatives to prank her with. They took a lot longer to work than I thought, and I ended up lying in bed, listening to my wife shitting her guts out in the bathroom for over an hour. FML

by smith / 01/27/2012 at 10:13pm / United Kingdom (York) / Health

Today, I was walking home when an old guy came up to me asking for directions. After I pointed him in the right direction, he held my hand, stroked my face then pushed me into a bush. FML

by SpongeAbii2 / 01/24/2012 at 6:47am / United Kingdom (Milton Keynes) / Miscellaneous

Today, like every other day, my boss referred to my breasts as pillows he needs to nap on. FML

by Emily27 / 01/20/2012 at 6:56am / United Kingdom (East Lothian) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend referred to his penis as 'The Eye of Sauron'. It didn't help when he pulled down his foreskin, pointed it in my direction and said 'I see you'. FML

by anon / 01/18/2012 at 1:29pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy