FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, on the brink of a stiflingly hot summer, I've come to a terrible realisation. It seems the apartment I've just moved into has been specially insulated to trap enough heat inside for the occupants to survive the planet's next Ice Age. FML

by Broon / 05/25/2012 at 3:55pm / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Transportation

Today, I replaced my car's windscreen wipers, after someone stole the last pair. After I finished, I went indoors for a drink. When I returned, the new ones had been stolen too. FML

by Anonymous / 05/25/2012 at 1:56pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, a drunk man wearing a sandwich-board proclaiming that, "The end is nigh" threw some so-called holy water at me while bellowing, "It's what Jesus would've wanted" and that I should "repent for being an evil shite." FML

by Notasinner / 05/24/2012 at 6:39pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was eating lunch, and accidentally got ketchup on the sofa, so I hastily doused it with stain remover. The ketchup is now no longer there; however there is a larger stain in its place. I stained the sofa with stain remover. FML

by Anonymous / 05/24/2012 at 3:23pm / United Kingdom (Sheffield) / Miscellaneous

Today, after my old downstairs neighbor, who would come upstairs to bang on my door and yell at me every time she heard a sound from me at all times of the day, had finally moved out, it became clear that my new downstairs neighbor gets drunk and yells at the TV in the early hours of the morning. FML

by howsthisforaname / 05/24/2012 at 8:59am / United Kingdom (Kingston upon Hull, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was to give a presentation to several of my company's senior employees. The moment I stood up, I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart that lasted a good two or three seconds. When I tried to utter an apology, I clammed up and let out a whiny grunt. They were not amused. FML

by Anonymous / 05/23/2012 at 4:38pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Work

Today, I went to see a once-in-a-lifetime moment when the Olympic torch passed through my town. I waited for 3 hours only to get a bruise from a man shoving me out of the way at the exact moment it went past. FML

by Notorch / 05/23/2012 at 11:53am / United Kingdom (Gloucestershire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She believes the government spies on her in the shower, and that the Prime Minister is a shape-shifting lizard who wants to microchip us all. I have to live with this psychotic wench until someone is desperate enough to employ her. FML

by fuq / 05/22/2012 at 2:42pm / United Kingdom (Cardiff) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took the day off work to be with my wife, since she's always bemoaning my lack of romantic gestures. As thanks, she spent most of the day reading Fifty Shades of Grey, which is basically a blatant plagiarism of Twilight, starring a pair of two-dimensional BDSM freaks. FML

by boblaj / 05/22/2012 at 12:11pm / United Kingdom (East Sussex) / Love

Today, I photoshopped a picture for my Facebook profile so my stomach would look a little flatter. I came back later, only to find someone had said, "What in God's name is this? Is your belly duck-facing?" and half a dozen other insults. FML

by Cam / 05/21/2012 at 6:38pm / United Kingdom (Devon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the orthodontist's to get my braces tightened, and I chose baby blue bands. Turns out they make my teeth look extremely yellow. Only a month and a half to go. FML

by Anonymous / 05/21/2012 at 7:40am / United Kingdom / Health

Today, I woke up early for an important team meeting I needed to attend. I washed, got changed, and sat down to eat breakfast... I then woke up again, an hour late and covered in cereal. FML

by themcdave / 05/19/2012 at 4:03am / United Kingdom (Bedfordshire) / Work

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me because I refused to keep him company while he took a shit. FML

by HK / 05/16/2012 at 6:38pm / United Kingdom (West Sussex) / Love