FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, I made 2 beautifully decorated cakes for Mother's Day. One was for my mother in law and the other for my mum. I came down to pack my mum's and found they had both been half eaten. My brother in law decided he wanted to try a bit of both to decide which was better. FML

by mancuneanway / 03/06/2016 at 8:11am / United Kingdom (Lancashire) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a crazy homeless guy got angry because I wouldn't sell him a bottle of vodka at half price. He got so irrationally mad, he put his fingers down his throat and threw up on my checkout. FML

by NotBeingPaidEnough / 03/03/2016 at 8:17am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Work

Today, my mum asked when she's getting grandkids. I had to tell her that, at 21 years old, I hadn't even managed to get a boyfriend yet. FML

by loser / 03/01/2016 at 7:20pm / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Love

Today, I think my unborn child has developed a sense of humour. The little cherub is usually very calm, but must have realised that if he/she kicks me hard enough in this particular place near my bladder, I'll piss myself on the spot like a race horse. It's happened twice now. FML

by Spraylady / 02/29/2016 at 4:45pm / United Kingdom / Kids

Today, I attended a TEDx conference. The woman sitting next to me spent the whole time picking her nose, playing with the retrieved contents, and sticking her hand down her pants. FML

by geekpower / 02/29/2016 at 4:59am / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I've recently become serious about getting fit, and have lost nearly 84 pounds. Apparently, when I was fat, I made her look smaller in comparison. When I got slimmer, she insisted I either gain the weight back or she'd leave. So she did. FML

by Anonymous / 02/28/2016 at 10:57am / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I found out that licking your very chapped lips while totally zoned out and looking in the general direction of a girl, will end up with you becoming the massive college creeper that everyone avoids. FML

by Anonymous / 02/28/2016 at 6:49am / United Kingdom (East Sussex) / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter taught me the literal meaning of "When the shit hits the fan." FML

by WhosGoingToCleanThisUp / 02/26/2016 at 2:52pm / United Kingdom / Kids

Today, I got accused of ruining my girlfriend's birthday, all because I accidentally got her the same birthday present as her mother did. FML

by Harry641 / 02/23/2016 at 5:53pm / United Kingdom (Hounslow) / Love

Today, I'm a car salesman. I got told to cold call a list of previous customers, but I recognised the names as I phoned them all last week; I told the manager this. He slammed his fist on my desk and told me to stop lying and do as I was told. I got told to "fuck off" 27 times. FML

by Arcam89 / 02/22/2016 at 5:37pm / United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of) / Work

Today, my brother accused me of faking my bipolar disorder for attention, all because I don't act the same as the bipolar girl in some TV show he watches. FML

by Anonymous / 02/21/2016 at 5:55am / United Kingdom (Hampshire) / Health

Today, my wife got fired for leaving work early once again. She's been doing random "spot checks" for the past month, convinced that she'll catch me cheating on her. This paranoid crap is exactly why I'm filing for divorce. FML

by Anonymous / 02/20/2016 at 7:53am / United Kingdom (Merton) / Love

Today, two aggressive police officers appeared at my door informing me that a complaint was filed about my 18 year-old son having "inappropriate relations" with a 16 year-old. We live in England. I had to Google the law to prove to them this was legal. FML

by Confuseddad / 02/16/2016 at 5:17pm / United Kingdom / Kids