FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML

by Anonymous / 04/20/2015 at 10:45am / United Kingdom (Leicester) / Health

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my extended family. When my wife came home, she kicked me out of the game and took all my money and property. When I said she couldn't do that, she said "Sure I can. It's called divorce." Everyone laughed. Now I'm bored as hell, watching everyone else play. FML

by Anonymous / 04/17/2015 at 4:43pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Love

Today, my roommate wants to kick me out because I can't afford to pay my share of the rent this month. I couldn't afford to, because I had to pay for repairs to my car after my roommate got drunk, stole my keys, and crashed it into a street light. FML

by Anonymous / 04/15/2015 at 10:32am / United Kingdom (Nottinghamshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband of 3 weeks told me he doesn't want to be married anymore because I suggested getting a joint bank account. FML

by Anonymous / 04/14/2015 at 3:21am / United Kingdom (Nottingham) / Love

Today, my son invited me to his first standup comedy gig. I accepted, only to later suffer through an hour of the worst jokes I've heard in my entire life. It was so bad, he made Dane Cook look like a comic genius, and I had to resist heckling him. Hours later, I still feel vaguely suicidal. FML

by Anonymous / 04/13/2015 at 11:23am / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Kids

Today, I got headbutted for saying that Nutella is overrated. FML

by jamisbetter / 04/11/2015 at 8:34am / United Kingdom / Health

Today, my boyfriend told me he's prepared to commit to marriage, but only if I buy my own ring and tell everyone he surprised me with it. FML

by undanya__four / 04/10/2015 at 4:19pm / United Kingdom (Bristol, City of) / Love

Today, after locking myself out of my house, I let myself into my car to wait on someone with a spare key. It took me 15 minutes to realise the house and car key share the same ring. FML

by losing the plot / 04/08/2015 at 3:36pm / United Kingdom (Bristol, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, my morbidly obese mother gave me an angry lecture at dinner, saying without any trace of irony that my vegetarian diet is "unhealthy and utterly unacceptable". FML

by tardspawn / 04/05/2015 at 11:38am / United Kingdom (West Sussex) / Health

Today, as I was walking to work, a cyclist shot out of nowhere and slammed into me. I hit the ground hard and lay there in agony. The guy quickly dusted himself off, said "Sorry man. It's a vicious cycle." then chuckled at his own stupid pun and cycled away. FML

by fuck right off / 04/04/2015 at 1:32pm / United Kingdom (Leicestershire) / Health

Today, I used an air freshener in my room to make it smell good. At first, the smell was pretty pleasant. However, by the time it'd "soaked in" it smelled just like weed. My whole room stinks of it, and now my mum is convinced I've been smoking pot in my room. FML

by HtotheFtotheS / 04/03/2015 at 3:05pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my internet was out and wasn't due to be fixed until at least Tuesday. I'm a grad student with a lot of online research to do and deadlines to meet, so I desperately bought an expensive and non-returnable portable wifi hub. An hour ago, the internet came back on. FML

by WiFucked / 04/03/2015 at 11:08am / United Kingdom (Durham) / Work

Today, I went to see my ill granddad in hospital. I saw lots of doctors around his bed, and they pronounced him dead, so I ran out crying. A little later, I found out that my granddad had been moved, and it was a different man in his bed. FML

by Ravhi Karia / 04/03/2015 at 9:41am / United Kingdom (Milton Keynes) / Health