FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, I had a call to the rodent rescue I run. They wanted to know if we had any mice for adoption and how much they cost. I told them that we had over 30 mice, and that we don't charge but do take donations. They said, "That's fantastic! I've been struggling to find snake food that isn't frozen!" FML

by bekkylove22 / 05/27/2015 at 4:45am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, during a driving lesson, I stopped behind a taxi, and got more and more annoyed when the traffic wouldn't move. A few minutes later, my instructor couldn't hold his laughter any more and pointed out I'd somehow zoned out and entered a taxi rank. FML

by kalvin / 05/24/2015 at 12:56pm / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Transportation

Today, my new doctor asked if I'm sexually active. I said no. He nodded and murmured "No surprise there." Thanks, mate. FML

by Mona Lisa was a skank-ass ho / 05/24/2015 at 11:56am / United Kingdom (Stockport) / Miscellaneous

Today, I felt pretty. As I deal with a severe anxiety and depression, I was proud of myself. All until a little girl asked: "Are you a boy or a girl?" FML

by hellpop / 05/24/2015 at 9:19am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I checked my son's browser history, as he's been acting strangely around his computer recently. I found several bizarre Google searches, including but not limited to: "unicorn dick-farts", "sharting kittens", and "can you get AIDS from Asians?" What the fuck is wrong with him? FML

by Anonymous / 05/22/2015 at 2:17pm / United Kingdom (Havering) / Kids

Today, I found out that my flatmate wears my underwear. FML

by anon / 05/21/2015 at 10:22pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went indoor rock climbing. After finally making it to the top, my pants ripped on my last move. I wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2015 at 10:43am / United Kingdom (Stockport) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent half-an-hour trapped inside my dog's crate. The door locked behind me as I squeezed myself inside to stroke her. After bellowing at my family in the garden for what felt like an eternity, they came through just to laugh and take pictures. FML

by Anonymous / 05/19/2015 at 4:58pm / United Kingdom (Scottish Borders, The) / Animals

Today, I bought my first vibrator. I was really excited, until my crippling OCD kicked in, forcing me to turn it on and off seven times in rapid succession, causing it to give off a cracking sound and stop working. Now I'm sad. FML

by Anonymous / 05/19/2015 at 10:01am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend suggested we start using a safe word during sex - not because we're into BDSM or anything like that, it's just in case she gets bored and wants me to stop. FML

by username / 05/19/2015 at 2:45am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Intimacy

Today, one of my idiot co-workers thought it'd be hilarious to "fix" my car while I was working. Now every time I step on the brake pedal, the horn goes off. FML

by Anonymous / 05/18/2015 at 2:41pm / United Kingdom / Transportation

Today, a couple asked me donate my eggs so they could start a family. When I refused, I was called heartless by my ex-husband and the woman he cheated on me with for over two years. FML

by Anonymous / 05/16/2015 at 1:46pm / United Kingdom (Southampton) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend decided to suddenly stop in the middle of sex, just as I was actually starting to enjoy myself, just to bear hug me and exclaim, "Crikey, she's angry!" in the voice of Steve Irwin. He laughed so hard at his own joke that he went soft and couldn't continue. FML

by Anonymous / 05/16/2015 at 5:11am / United Kingdom (Aberdeen City) / Intimacy