FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, I bought my first vibrator. I was really excited, until my crippling OCD kicked in, forcing me to turn it on and off seven times in rapid succession, causing it to give off a cracking sound and stop working. Now I'm sad. FML

by Anonymous / 05/19/2015 at 10:01am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend suggested we start using a safe word during sex - not because we're into BDSM or anything like that, it's just in case she gets bored and wants me to stop. FML

by username / 05/19/2015 at 2:45am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Intimacy

Today, one of my idiot co-workers thought it'd be hilarious to "fix" my car while I was working. Now every time I step on the brake pedal, the horn goes off. FML

by Anonymous / 05/18/2015 at 2:41pm / United Kingdom / Transportation

Today, a couple asked me donate my eggs so they could start a family. When I refused, I was called heartless by my ex-husband and the woman he cheated on me with for over two years. FML

by Anonymous / 05/16/2015 at 1:46pm / United Kingdom (Southampton) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend decided to suddenly stop in the middle of sex, just as I was actually starting to enjoy myself, just to bear hug me and exclaim, "Crikey, she's angry!" in the voice of Steve Irwin. He laughed so hard at his own joke that he went soft and couldn't continue. FML

by Anonymous / 05/16/2015 at 5:11am / United Kingdom (Aberdeen City) / Intimacy

Today, I got sick of my flatmate stealing my food so I decided to sabotage a leftover pizza with laxatives. I came back home later in the evening after a night of heavy drinking. Guess what I had to eat in my drunken stupor. FML

by Anonymous / 05/13/2015 at 10:37pm / United Kingdom / Health

Today, whilst visiting an unfamiliar office site for work, I was conversing with my boss about the possibility of considering myself for a managing position in the future. I then unintentionally followed him to the bathroom whilst walking and texting. FML

by joddledoddle / 05/13/2015 at 3:18pm / United Kingdom (Merton) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mother asked me how pasta is harvested. She actually thought it grew out of the ground. FML

by a / 05/12/2015 at 12:37pm / United Kingdom (Windsor and Maidenhead) / Miscellaneous

Today, I stood up in front of the class and dropped my pen. As I bent over to pick it up, a boy in the front row loudly broke wind. I will forever be known as "that teacher who farted". FML

by Becky / 05/11/2015 at 4:54pm / United Kingdom (Dorset) / Work

Today, my boyfriend's mum publicly shamed him on Facebook after she caught him having sex under her roof today. Everyone thought it was hilarious, except me. Not because I'm ashamed, but because I'm over 300 miles away right now. FML

by Anonymous / 05/10/2015 at 8:16am / United Kingdom (York) / Love

Today, I found my 15-year-old son sleeping on the couch. I asked why, and he said he'd rented his room out to someone on Craigslist to make extra money, so he was getting used to sleeping in the living room instead. FML

by Anonymous / 05/08/2015 at 5:19pm / United Kingdom / Kids

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I sneezed so hard that my head shot forward and smashed against his, sending his head backwards against the wall. He ended up with a concussion, and I still feel like someone hit me over the head with a chair. FML

by Anonymous / 05/08/2015 at 12:46pm / United Kingdom (Essex) / Health

Today, I realised I've been depressed about my recent break up for longer than the relationship even lasted. FML

by fleckney26 / 05/05/2015 at 1:09pm / United Kingdom (Leicester) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.