FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, I farted myself awake, in a car full of my boyfriend's family. FML

by The horror... / 11/11/2015 at 11:52am / United Kingdom (Luton) / Health

Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, 'Congratulations, you have a new match'. FML

by anon / 11/10/2015 at 10:28pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Love

Today, a kid came into the classroom I teach in to tell me there was "something" in the girls' toilets. "What kind of something", I asked? I was not expecting the answer "A period mural". FML

by Kidsthesedays / 11/09/2015 at 2:33pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Kids

Today, after several months desperately searching for a job and feeling pretty insecure and unimportant, I drove 15 miles to a job interview. On parking my car at the destination, I found that during my drive a spider had been making a cobweb between the car and my hair. FML

by Geemeisters / 11/08/2015 at 5:03am / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Transportation

Today, as always, I'm so flat-chested and childlike in appearance that my boyfriend successfully passed me off as his little sister to save money at a restaurant. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2015 at 3:48am / United Kingdom (Harrow) / Miscellaneous

Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML

by guessthatsatrickthen / 10/31/2015 at 1:19pm / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at the airport waiting for my flight to leave for Hawaii when I received an urgent call from my neighbour saying that my house had been broken into. After rushing home and missing my flight, I had to explain to the police that my house wasn't burgled, it was just very messy. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2015 at 12:41pm / United Kingdom (Sunderland) / Miscellaneous

Today, a tailgating idiot rear-ended me at a red light, then had the balls to say it was my fault for "driving too close" to his car. FML

by fuck off you fucking shitburglar / 10/31/2015 at 6:20am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Transportation

Today, I was invited to my friend's wedding. I wouldn't mind, but she chose her now fiancé over me, despite him being in prison for assault, a heroin addict and a general dick. This was all because I accidentally called her stupid three years ago. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2015 at 9:27am / United Kingdom (East Lothian) / Love

Today, I went to the print shop to get some work printed. The guy serving me printed my entire order wrong because he pushed the wrong button, so it had to be done again. He tried to charge me a fine for the mistake he made because "it's not a viable business otherwise". FML

by Anonymous / 10/20/2015 at 10:40am / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Money

Today, two women came into my place of work, complaining loudly that they couldn't afford a £3 course fee because they didn't have any money to spend on themselves. They were holding large Starbucks coffees. FML

by Anonymous / 10/20/2015 at 9:39am / United Kingdom / Work

Today, I noticed a guy checking out my ass in the mirror behind the bar where I work. He was cute, so I thought I'd put on a little show. I bent over to reach for something near the floor, which caused me to let rip a series of uncontrollable farts, like popping bubble wrap. He quickly left. FML

by bubblewrap / 10/20/2015 at 6:13am / United Kingdom (Swindon) / Love

Today, I was sexting my boss. I realised that I wasn't texting my boyfriend after I'd sent 2 nudes, and received many sexually provocative responses. FML

by Peter Steele love / 10/17/2015 at 8:49pm / United Kingdom (North Somerset) / Intimacy