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FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, I learned that my girlfriend can sleepwalk. She got up, came into the living room where I was laying back against the sofa playing video games. I wasn't really paying much attention, until she stepped on my crotch, after which she left. She doesn't remember a thing. FML

#21035414
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42424) - you deserved it (5699)

On 01/21/2014 at 7:55pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Glasgow City)

Today, I noticed that the condom in my wallet has been there so long it's left a mark. FML

Today, I was watching Ratatouille. Piece of advice for starving students: never watch it when you've only eaten two apples in two days, or you'll find yourself in the ridiculous position of being jealous of a fucking rat. FML

#21033122
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39848) - you deserved it (7398)

On 01/19/2014 at 6:38pm - misc - by I.Want.Food. (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend took a day off from work because he felt "sick". I thought he might come see me since he hadn't come over in a while. Nope, he went to hang out with his ex instead. FML

#21031915
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51584) - you deserved it (5331)

On 01/18/2014 at 4:09pm - love - by yes i meant ex-boyfriend (woman) - United Kingdom (Derby)

Today, my husband jokingly told my daughter when she passes gas in public she needs to blame it on the fattest and ugliest person there. We went shopping after and she let a HUGE fart out. She gasped, "Mommy!" FML

#21031501
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47128) - you deserved it (6956)

On 01/18/2014 at 4:45am - kids - by FattestUgliestPerson (woman) - United Kingdom (Manchester)

Today, I overheard my mum tell my sister that she should make me a bridesmaid at her wedding. My sister scoffed, "She looks like Shamu, mum. I can't have THAT in my wedding pics." followed by laughter and my mum saying, "Touché." FML

#21031087
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48707) - you deserved it (6166)

On 01/17/2014 at 6:52pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, as if having to endure the noises of my parents having sex in the next room wasn't painful enough, my mom decided to shout, "Yeah! Like a horse!" I want to cry. FML

#21028949
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58360) - you deserved it (5182)

On 01/15/2014 at 5:29pm - intimacy - by DisturbedMan (man) - United Kingdom (Kent)

Today, my dad asked me to lend him some money to buy his medication, since he's all but broke right now. He returned with nothing but a bottle of tequila. FML

#21027843
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43946) - you deserved it (7789)

On 01/14/2014 at 5:06pm - money - by chiktikka (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, I was laying down with my girlfriend, when she asked me if I'd ever been kicked in the junk. I awkwardly said no, and she replied, "Well maybe that should change." while rubbing my shoulder lovingly. I'm scared. FML

#21027576
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42458) - you deserved it (4580)

On 01/14/2014 at 11:15am - health - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Cheshire)

Today, before a blind date with a girl set up by my flatmate, I put some aftershave on. Then I realised I had forgotten my contact lenses. When I put them in it caused so much pain that in my attempt to reach the bathroom I walked into a wall. When I got there, she saw my swollen face and left. FML

Today, it was my first day at my new job. Not only does everyone hate me for replacing a guy they all liked, I managed to clog the only functional toilet there. The glares and threatening head-shaking they keep doing probably means I'm screwed. FML

#21023700
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39828) - you deserved it (5258)

On 01/10/2014 at 4:46pm - work - by shite (man) - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my mum when she gets the urge to smoke. The answer I was looking for was "after I eat" or maybe even "when I'm tired". What I got was "every second since you were born". FML

#21022393
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41637) - you deserved it (5138)

On 01/09/2014 at 11:01am - love - by BornToBeABurden (woman) - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, I woke up from a short nap, only to find two waxing strips stuck to my eyebrows. I now have very little of my eyebrows remaining, and just as little idea which idiot in my family pulled this stupid excuse of a prank. FML

#21017976
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39420) - you deserved it (4523)

On 01/05/2014 at 3:39pm - misc - by I will find you and I will fucking fuck y (woman) - United Kingdom (Cornwall)



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