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FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend was complaining that we don't have "a song". Irritated, I told her that I'd put on the radio, and whatever song was playing was our song from now on. I switched on the radio, and "It's Not Fair" by Lily Allen was playing. Our song is about premature ejaculation. FML

#1427967
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15373) - you deserved it (56001)

On 04/28/2009 at 4:52pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Swindon)

Today, I was eating cereal and decided to warm it up to see what it tasted like. So, using a candle in the room I placed my spoon over the flame and waited to see if it heated up. Pleased with my silly experiment, I put the spoon back in my mouth. I now can't talk because of my swollen tongue. FML

#1416648
364 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21419) - you deserved it (225839)

On 04/28/2009 at 7:16am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (London)

Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my little sister's talking bear at the bottom of my bed, it said "squeeze me" so I squeezed it and it said "it's over." It was my boyfriends voice. I was dumped by a talking bear. FML

#1349405
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (79313) - you deserved it (4342)

On 04/26/2009 at 8:35am - love - by shawty_x (woman) - United Kingdom (Hartlepool)

Today, I met this guy I really liked at a party. We got chatting and then hit the dance floor. We had a "moment" and I went in to kiss him. He shot forward with his tongue already out. His eyes were open. FML

#1315252
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46630) - you deserved it (8881)

On 04/25/2009 at 8:18am - misc - by plasticfantastic - United Kingdom (Essex)

Today, I was at a party. The girl I'm madly in love with referred to me as her 'Gay Friend.' She refused to kiss me in Spin-the-Bottle as 'She didn't want to do anything with anyone that night'. She then made out, and slept with, my 'best friend' whom she had never met before. FML

#1218026
231 comments

I agree, your life sucks (72739) - you deserved it (5898)

On 04/22/2009 at 9:50am - love - by Bo (man) - United Kingdom (Wigan)

Today, I was walking in the park when I heard some boys shouting behind me. As I turned around they poured a bucket of red liquid over my head. They thought I was someone they knew. I wasn't. And i was wearing a $200 white dress. Red dye doesn't come out of white dresses. FML

#1186256
244 comments

I agree, your life sucks (76005) - you deserved it (4293)

On 04/21/2009 at 4:32am - misc - by anon - United Kingdom (Barking and Dagenham)

Today, I was wearing a new 500 dollar dress on a crowded train. I looked great and I could feel the eyes on me. A cute guy then offered me his seat, only boosting my confidence more until he said "for you and the baby," pointing at a bump in my dress. I'm not pregnant and wasted 500 dollars. FML

#994707
232 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49966) - you deserved it (25869)

On 04/15/2009 at 4:14pm - misc - by notpreggers - United Kingdom (London)

Today, my boyfriend of 17 months, the first guy to tell me he loves me, the guy I lost my virginity to, the only guy whose parents I've met, told me we should stop 'hooking up' because it's weird that I was telling everyone we were a couple and it was ruining his chances of finding a girlfriend. FML

Today, I was going on holiday. As I was checking in my bags, I said to the really cute steward, "I think I'm overweight." He told me about discounts for customers of 'larger proportions.' I was talking about my suitcase being overweight. FML

#832595
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50889) - you deserved it (16009)

On 04/06/2009 at 9:39am - health - by blahbags (woman) - United Kingdom (London)

Today, I got my long hair cut in a short pixie cut. When my five year old daughter saw me she laughed and proclaimed 'You look just like a man!'. That afternoon I got a concerned call from the school. My daughter has told everyone 'mummy has gone away, I now have two daddies!' FML

#765462
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (66127) - you deserved it (7430)

On 04/02/2009 at 12:14pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom (Edinburgh)

Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother. My friend asked me for some advice about how to give a guy a good blowjob. I went into great detail, and then realised that I had typed it to the wrong window. I gave my little brother tips on how to perform fellatio. FML

#764991
150 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23595) - you deserved it (105410)

On 04/02/2009 at 11:34am - intimacy - by imsorrytimmy (woman) - United Kingdom (Wolverhampton)

Today, I repaired a boiler for a wealthy guy in a big house. While there, I fixed a leaking tap for free. When I went to go, the man slipped something into my shirt pocket and said "have a drink on me." When I got to my truck, I discovered that he'd given me a tea bag. FML

#598491
164 comments

I agree, your life sucks (73173) - you deserved it (5543)

On 03/25/2009 at 12:33pm - misc - by toast - United Kingdom (Worcestershire)

Today, after a hard day's work and emotional argument with my best friend, I sent my boyfriend a text telling him how much I loved him and cherished him in the hopes he would cheer me up with a romantic reply. He said "Sorry, I've only got 8 texts left." FML

#515766
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51438) - you deserved it (6146)

On 03/21/2009 at 7:04pm - love - by Gutted. (woman) - United Kingdom (Kent)



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