FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day on a £600 a week job. I was fired for being 10 minutes late. FML

by Chloe / 12/20/2010 at 1:08pm / United Kingdom (London) / Work

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't attend her dog's funeral, and was therefore an insensitive bastard. I couldn't attend because my mum has cancer and I was driving her to a hospital appointment. FML

by Anonymous / 12/19/2010 at 7:31pm / United Kingdom (Essex) / Love

Today, I discovered that the painful eczema I get every winter was actually being caused by the moisturising cream I use to treat it. FML

by spleg / 12/16/2010 at 7:06am / United Kingdom (Northamptonshire) / Health

Today, I was listening to music while I wrapped Christmas presents. All was going well when the music was cut off, literally. I snipped the cable to my very expensive headphones in half. FML

by Username / 12/15/2010 at 12:22pm / United Kingdom (Reading) / Money

Today, whilst pleasuring myself in my bedroom, I began absent-mindedly staring at a spider on the ceiling. It wasn't until the point of climax that I realised that I was, in effect, masturbating over a spider. FML

by Anonymous / 12/14/2010 at 7:00pm / United Kingdom (Gloucestershire) / Intimacy

Today, after months of dieting, I finally reached my goal weight. Excitedly I told my boyfriend, who gave me a beautiful dress as an early Christmas present. It was a size too small. FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2010 at 3:32pm / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Health

Today, I ran to catch the train, but slipped on the stairs and fell on my shoulder. However, my effort was rendered useless; it wasn't even my train. FML

by cmzraxsn / 12/11/2010 at 2:32pm / United Kingdom (East Lothian) / Transportation

Today, without even trying, I convinced my 17-year-old daughter that blueberries are just peas holding their breath. I have raised a complete airhead. FML

by parentfail / 12/11/2010 at 9:44am / United Kingdom / Kids

Today, I picked up my friend's new kitten so enthusiastically I scared it and it shat all over me. I literally scared the shit out of it. FML

by elliekilroy / 12/10/2010 at 7:12pm / United Kingdom (Monmouthshire) / Animals

Today, I spent ages looking for a parking space at the mall. I saw a couple walking out of the mall and decided to follow them and take their space when they left. After following them for a good ten minutes, I realised they were heading to the bus stop. FML

by Anonymous / 12/10/2010 at 4:55pm / United Kingdom / Transportation

Today, I was giving a tour for parents who wanted to send their kids to our school. One of the parents had a kid on crutches with what appeared to be a broken leg, so I asked him how he broke it. He replied, "I was born like this." FML

by kayin / 12/09/2010 at 8:59pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I participated in a charity auction at my university where the boys are "sold" to the highest bidder to be a slave for a day. My girlfriend and ex were bidding against each other. My ex won. FML

by Anonymous / 12/09/2010 at 2:58pm / United Kingdom (Leicestershire) / Love

Today, I got feedback on an essay I wrote, by my mum who is also a teacher. She said it was 'worse than most of her pupils'. She teaches 10-year-olds. I'm a 20-year-old student at university. FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2010 at 4:31pm / United Kingdom (Nottingham) / Miscellaneous