FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, at work, I was asked to sharpen some pencils. I'm an electronics and mechanics engineer, and while I understand it's been quite a while since I was in primary school, I still wonder why my boss felt the need to explain in minute detail how to sharpen a pencil. FML

by dibman / 01/07/2011 at 4:11am / United Kingdom (Hampshire) / Work

Today, I had to walk three miles home from work. Both my parents were at home. The reason they wouldn't collect me is apparently because I've "gotten so fat, your grandma cried after she saw you". FML

by biscuit / 01/07/2011 at 12:46am / United Kingdom / Health

Today, I had a show with my drama group. My mom isn't a good drunk, she decided to scream along to every song and pass out halfway through. She was in the front row. FML

by Anonymous / 01/06/2011 at 11:46am / United Kingdom (Aberdeen City) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about our new year's resolutions. I started telling him that I wanted to lose some weight. He interrupted me, saying, "Yeah yeah, we all know you're fat, whatever." He then went on a 30 minute speech about how he'd really like to take more pictures of his cat in 2011. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2011 at 2:34pm / United Kingdom (York) / Animals

Today, I discovered after four hours of vomiting that it is very much possible to vomit so hard you can't help but shit in your trousers. My boyfriend is currently staying over, too. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2011 at 2:12am / United Kingdom (London) / Health

Today, I realised it takes me longer to take a dump than it does to have sex with my boyfriend. I also realised taking a dump is more satisfying. FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2011 at 8:22pm / United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire) / Intimacy

Today, several family members, including my mum, deleted me from Facebook in a concerted show of contempt. Apparently, I just can't shut up about World of Warcraft. FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2011 at 1:22pm / United Kingdom (Essex) / Geek

Today, as the clock struck twelve for the new year, I was in the bathroom having a nosebleed. FML

by cauteriseme / 01/01/2011 at 10:37am / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Health

Today, I saw a guy I like when I was out shopping. We acknowledged each other with a little wave, but as I walked away, I heard him say to his friend, "She's never gonna get me with THAT moustache." FML

by bleurghh / 12/31/2010 at 10:06am / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Love

Today, my father had a dream that he'd lost me forever, and the pain was so unbearable, it woke him up. Turns out, the pain he was experiencing was just his bowels and he really needed to take a shit. This is the most affection I've ever received from my father. FML

by Anonymous / 12/30/2010 at 5:28pm / United Kingdom (Essex) / Love

Today, while putting a drip in the back of an elderly patient's hand, he commented that he didn't realise doctors had pierced nipples, but not to worry because he's only in the hospital "for the b*tches". FML

by Anonymous / 12/30/2010 at 4:37pm / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Intimacy

Today, I met my father for the first time since I was a baby. The first comment out of his mouth was, "I bet all the boys love those motherfucking bazongas, don't they?" Hi, Dad. FML

by Anonymous / 12/30/2010 at 2:23pm / United Kingdom (York) / Intimacy

Today, my friend commented on my short skirt and, thinking she was being funny, tried to pull it down. I quickly moved away, causing it to come off in her hands. My shocked scream attracted the attention of at least a dozen bystanders. FML

by glam300 / 12/30/2010 at 1:21pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous