FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's 18th birthday. She had invited us out drinking. I've never had alcohol before and was very excited. I got a call explaining that she had invited one too many and asked me not to come. People bragging on facebook about what a great time they were having didn't help either. FML

by Anonymous / 03/21/2011 at 2:20am / United Kingdom (York) / Miscellaneous

Today, while serving drinks at work to a group of people getting tipsy on wine, I joked about it being obvious who the designated driver was to the only gentleman who'd been religiously sticking to coke all night. He coldly informed me that he was a recovering alcoholic. FML

by AwkwardWaitress / 03/20/2011 at 7:29pm / United Kingdom (London) / Work

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

by thebravelittletoaster / 03/20/2011 at 4:32pm / United Kingdom (Bolton) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at a boring lecture, I heard some people behind me whispering and laughing. I turned around, wondering what was so funny, which made them laugh even more. I then realised it looked like I'd been giving my pen a blowjob for the last 10 minutes. FML

by gayboii / 03/19/2011 at 5:37pm / United Kingdom (Glasgow City) / Intimacy

Today, I was on Facebook, looking at pictures from a party I went to. In most of them, I was sitting on the sofa, my shorts bunched to the side, with half my vajayjay on show. FML

by Anonymous / 03/19/2011 at 11:43am / United Kingdom (London) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML

by anonymous / 03/19/2011 at 6:32am / United Kingdom (Kent) / Intimacy

Today, I went on a date, the first one I've been on since my last boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. We were in a restaurant, and at the end of meal he insisted on paying the bill. He wanted to leave a 15% tip but couldn't work out in his head how much to leave. The bill was for £100. FML

by Anonymous / 03/16/2011 at 1:20pm / United Kingdom (London) / Money

Today, my new boyfriend was at my flat for the first time. He picked up something in the bathroom and said 'What the hell's this?'. I told him what it was for, and he said 'You girls and your weird female products. Who needs all this stuff?'. It wasn't a female thing. It was shampoo. FML

by cleangirl / 03/14/2011 at 7:45pm / United Kingdom (Fife) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend dumped me was because his parents don't like the fact that I go to a prestigious university. However, they're completely accepting of the drunken slob who's dating their daughter. FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2011 at 3:17pm / United Kingdom (Sheffield) / Love

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

by ouch / 03/08/2011 at 10:50am / United Kingdom (London) / Health

Today, I threw up when I woke up, feeling quite ill, I told my mum. She instantly thought I was pregnant. I'm still a virgin and she doesn't believe me. FML

by Anonymous / 03/07/2011 at 1:17pm / United Kingdom (Stoke-on-Trent) / Health

Today, before setting off on my train journey I checked my booking. The (non-refundable) return date was a week later than I intended, and after buying a new ticket online, I was informed that I would be able to collect it in 2 hours. I leave in an hour. I'll have to pay three times to come home. FML

by Anonymous / 03/07/2011 at 12:38am / United Kingdom / Money

Today, I discovered that my Facebook profile picture, of me between my boyfriend and a friend, is actually me between my boyfriend and the girl he has been cheating on me with. FML

by ocean555 / 03/06/2011 at 7:27pm / United Kingdom (Newcastle upon Tyne) / Intimacy