FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had sex. Her reason? Because she thinks she is so good in bed she was worried I'd hyperventilate due to all the excitement. Instead I fainted due to lack of oxygen after three minutes. FML

by quickfingers100 / 07/22/2011 at 9:38am / United Kingdom / Intimacy

Today, I was helping a 7 year old student in my martial arts class with his kicks. My reward? A surprisingly powerful kick to the testicles. FML

by TKDConnor92 / 07/22/2011 at 6:51am / United Kingdom (Gloucestershire) / Kids

Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle of the road. Thinking it had a broken wing or something, I started carrying it home, intending to take it to the vet later. It crapped in my hand and flew away. FML

by craphanded / 07/19/2011 at 1:45pm / United Kingdom (Wiltshire) / Animals

Today, an argument broke out between me, my girlfriend, and her sister. They were trying to convince me that not only were fairies real, but there were "scientific facts" that "prove" their existence. My girlfriend's 20 and her sister teaches primary school. FML

by Fairymyass / 07/17/2011 at 12:01pm / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, after 14 rice-filled days in China, I came back home. What's for lunch? Rice. FML

by panos016 / 07/15/2011 at 9:51am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my new neighbor informed me with great relish that the house I have just bought is haunted because 30 years ago a man shot himself in the kitchen. I'm now paying a huge mortgage on a house I'm frightened to be alone in. FML

by Boo / 07/14/2011 at 4:59am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been flirting with for months. Immediately after he gave me the 'let's just be friends' speech then left for work, accidentally locking me in his apartment. I had to call his ex girlfriend to come let me out. She smirked. FML

by Anonanon / 07/12/2011 at 1:10pm / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Intimacy

Today, a business man in his forties tackled me to the ground in an attempt to take my seat on a crowded train. When that didn't work, he called me a fat bitch and gave me the finger. The seat was given up for me because I'm seven months pregnant. FML

by Anonymous / 07/07/2011 at 6:52pm / United Kingdom / Transportation

Today, I was the designated driver. It was also my birthday party. FML

by Anonymous / 07/06/2011 at 7:06am / United Kingdom (Rhondda Cynon Taff) / Miscellaneous

Today, my bedridden mother called me selfish. After an operation two weeks ago, all I've done is feed her, clean her and the house every day. She called me selfish because I couldn't lift a TV into her room. FML

by Ashleighx94 / 07/04/2011 at 8:00pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss yelled at me for ruining the report she was supposed to write with my "terrible spelling and grammar". I've checked it thoroughly, and all of her 'corrections' are wrong. She doesn’t believe me, and is refusing to look at a dictionary. FML

by frustrated / 06/29/2011 at 8:59am / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Work

Today, my mum told me that my sister's little kiddie swing wouldn't hold my weight. I told her she was being stupid, and went on anyway. A broken ankle and two pins in my elbow later, I'm willing to accept this. FML

by Anza / 06/29/2011 at 2:12am / United Kingdom (Hampshire) / Health

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

by adopteddd / 06/28/2011 at 10:30am / United Kingdom (Devon) / Miscellaneous