FMLs submitted from New Zealand

Today, I came home early to surprise my wife. No, it's not what you're thinking: I didn't find her cheating on me. She wasn't even home, but my dad was. He'd used his spare key and was on my sofa, drinking my beer and watching my TV. The first words out of his mouth? "Your beer's shit." FML

by Anonymous / 09/06/2014 at 5:08pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love

Today, I almost got lucky with a girl from my course. We've been flirting since we met. After removing her top and moving downwards with my tongue, whilst moaning my name she decided to mention she has a boyfriend and that we needed to stop. FML

by Anonymous / 08/30/2014 at 2:44am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Intimacy

Today, my boss chewed me out for correcting several spelling and grammar mistakes in one of his reports. The words "Think you're so damn smart, don't ya?" were uttered. I'm his secretary, and proofreading his shit is part of my job. FML

by Anonymous / 08/22/2014 at 12:56pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work

Today, my two-year-old daughter's favourite word is 'No'. After leaving her with my sixteen-year-old brother, she now knows other N words as well. Niet, Nein, Non and Never. Her teenage uncle thinks it's hilarious. FML

by 919191 / 08/18/2014 at 9:26am / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Kids

Today, I found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me. When I told my sister, she just smiled, held up a closed fist, and said "Look at the number of fucks I give!" She then raised a finger, said "Oops. Finger spasm!" then lowered it again. FML

by meltdowninrels / 08/15/2014 at 6:09pm / New Zealand (Wellington) / Love

Today, it was a hot day and a woman walking in front of me collapsed. I helped her up, and I called an ambulance while she laid down. While we waited, two teenage girls walked past and I heard one say to the other, "I love how this city just lets people tan wherever". FML

by Anonymous / 08/13/2014 at 11:02pm / New Zealand / Kids

Today, while working an early shift, I was dressing a wound on a gorgeous guy, when he laughed and pointed out some granny panties next to me on the floor. I guess I forgot to take yesterday's underwear out of my pants before putting them back on this morning. FML

by dorrisdoes / 07/28/2014 at 4:47pm / New Zealand / Work

Today, I met someone who works in radio advertising. Making conversation, I described an ad that I can't stand. He wrote it. FML

by Scotty / 07/28/2014 at 6:16am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work

Today, my dad asked me how I would feel about going on an all-expenses-paid, month-long holiday to the Caribbean. I was ecstatic and broke into tears of joy, saying I'd love it. He replied, "Yeah, me too. Shame it ain't happening!" then left for work, laughing his arse off. FML

by xXshitface4uXx / 07/25/2014 at 6:46pm / New Zealand (Bay of Plenty) / Miscellaneous

Today, the deranged idiot that I am defending in court went completely nuts and told the judge that I am the guy who planned the whole armed robbery that he is on trial for. FML

by zl5 / 07/04/2014 at 7:17pm / New Zealand (Wellington) / Work

Today, I told my husband that I didn't feel like he loved me. He looked away and replied, "Fair enough". FML

by mymumdidntloveme / 06/30/2014 at 11:59pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for ages. Midway through the meal, he sighed and said, "I'll be honest, this is a horrible date. You got zero personality and I'm too lazy to do a window escape, so..." He then got up and walked out. FML

by Anonymous / 06/06/2014 at 6:44pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love

Today, in the fitting rooms at work, a 10-year-old kid threw a coat-hanger directly at my face. The kid's father didn't apologise on his behalf, but instead congratulated him on what he called "a wicked shot". FML

by anonymous / 06/04/2014 at 1:07am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work