FMLs submitted from New Zealand

Today, I tried being rebellious for the first time in my life by sneaking out past my curfew. I decided to use my bedroom window to stealthily leave the house. I ended up twisting my ankle when I tried to make my "grand" escape. FML

by thatsureshowedme / 11/08/2014 at 3:33pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Health

Today, I got demonic gastric distress while taking my final college exam. I only got about 50% of it done, left the classroom 50% faster, and experienced both 50% dread and 50% relief. Now I have to repeat 50% of the class. FML

by all shat out / 11/07/2014 at 1:53am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work

Today, I found out that the girl on Facebook that helped me out of my sadness after my break-up and who I'd hopelessly fallen in love with was just a prank by my ex-girlfriend. FML

by facebookdeception / 10/31/2014 at 12:25am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love

Today, I have to make a decision. I either drive my dad around during the day so he can drink, or I let him drink and drive so I can focus on studying for my exams. FML

by problems / 10/18/2014 at 11:03pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous

Today, while out for dinner with my parents, a woman, approximately the same age as my mother, repeatedly propositioned me for sex during the course of my meal. After declining firmly several times, she only stopped after my mother convinced her I was gay. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2014 at 6:13am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Intimacy

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend, after he promised not to laugh at me. All seemed well, until I heard laughter. It wasn't him, though; it was his family listening from the other room. FML

by TalkDirtyToMe / 10/10/2014 at 3:33pm / New Zealand / Intimacy

Today, I told my mom that once I leave school, I want to join the clergy, and how much it meant to me. Her response: "Never knew you wanted to molest kids so much!" FML

by Anonymous / 10/03/2014 at 9:41pm / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my birthday. I've spent most of it apologizing to my parents for the "hassle" of "having" to arrange a simple birthday dinner. Sorry I was born, guys. FML

by Sorry / 10/02/2014 at 7:51pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend tried to be dominant during sex. It was so out of character for him, I couldn't help but break into hysterical laughter. FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2014 at 11:30pm / New Zealand / Intimacy

Today, I went on Facebook, only to see my grandpa had posted "feeling horny" with my grandma. FML

by failingdaily / 09/19/2014 at 10:27pm / New Zealand (Hawke's Bay) / Geek

Today, I came home early to surprise my wife. No, it's not what you're thinking: I didn't find her cheating on me. She wasn't even home, but my dad was. He'd used his spare key and was on my sofa, drinking my beer and watching my TV. The first words out of his mouth? "Your beer's shit." FML

by Anonymous / 09/06/2014 at 5:08pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love

Today, I almost got lucky with a girl from my course. We've been flirting since we met. After removing her top and moving downwards with my tongue, whilst moaning my name she decided to mention she has a boyfriend and that we needed to stop. FML

by Anonymous / 08/30/2014 at 2:44am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Intimacy

Today, my boss chewed me out for correcting several spelling and grammar mistakes in one of his reports. The words "Think you're so damn smart, don't ya?" were uttered. I'm his secretary, and proofreading his shit is part of my job. FML

by Anonymous / 08/22/2014 at 12:56pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work