FMLs submitted from New Zealand

Today, I poured boiling water over my instant noodles. A freshly boiled cockroach also rolled out onto my noodles. FML

by delicious / 01/05/2016 at 10:05pm / New Zealand (Wellington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out how it feels to have a car door slammed shut on my hand, breaking two of my fingers. Hint: it's fucking painful. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2015 at 4:26pm / New Zealand / Transportation

Today, I went for a soak in a mineral hot pool to relax after a stressful day teaching middle school. There were 120 middle schoolers there on a school trip. FML

by Teacher / 12/16/2015 at 4:10am / New Zealand (Bay of Plenty) / Kids

Today, HR sent a review email to me asking me to anonymously tell them about my boss. I decided to use this opportunity to tell them what a dick he was. I printed off the review, filled it out, then scanned and emailed it to myself. Or so I thought. Turns out I'd sent the review to my boss. FML

by jobless / 11/30/2015 at 11:01pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work

Today, after 3 months of successful business at my restaurant, sales are down the shitter. Why? Because some no-life troll started posting loads of bad reviews online. He uses different names, but nothing in the reviews has ever happened. We can't get the reviews taken down. FML

by jacobianscum / 11/29/2015 at 2:05am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work

Today, my parents finally fulfilled my childhood dream and got a puppy, after years of me nagging at them. The only downside is that I no longer live at home and he's not mine. FML

by Haze / 11/23/2015 at 10:25pm / New Zealand (Wellington) / Animals

Today, I found my expensive lingerie I thought I had lost. In my 15-year-old brother's room. FML

by anon / 11/19/2015 at 7:53pm / New Zealand / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked into my living room to find my housemate sitting on the couch, bollock naked, trimming his pubes with scissors. He's surprised I have an issue with this. FML

by WellGroomed / 10/22/2015 at 9:19pm / New Zealand (Waikato) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had an emergency appendectomy, so I texted my boss to let him know about the situation. He replied that it'd be good for my continued employment prospects if I come into work tomorrow. FML

by wormiformed / 10/03/2015 at 12:14am / New Zealand / Work

Today, my mother told me I should volunteer in Africa, because I might "get lucky, catch malaria and come back skinny". FML

by strayy / 09/30/2015 at 2:47am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Health

Today, my 6-year-old daughter touched a tray I'd just pulled out of the oven. I quickly swatted her hand away, but then noticed she wasn't hurt or burned at all. I then gingerly touched the tray and got scalded. My daughter giggled maniacally as I screamed. To be honest, I'm now terrified of her. FML

by :| / 09/26/2015 at 12:10am / New Zealand (Nelson) / Kids

Today, a guy kept flirting with me despite all my hints for him to kindly fuck off and die, so I lied and said I'm a lesbian. This didn't stop him. It got so bad, I had to claim I was born with a dick and say that's why I like girls. Only then did he say "Eeewww..." and back off. FML

by Thai that on for size / 09/25/2015 at 3:56pm / New Zealand (Hawke's Bay) / Love

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2015 at 12:37am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous