FMLs submitted from New Zealand

Today, I was trying to put some new curtains up. I couldn't make sense of the instructions, so I decided to wing it. I spent a frustrating half hour fighting with it, and just seconds after I succeeded, the curtain rod gave way and slammed straight onto my head. FML

by Anonymous / 06/29/2012 at 6:46pm / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a club with some friends. I ordered two drinks from the waitress and gave her a fifty. She never returned with the change, and the rest of the staff claimed they didn't know who I was talking about. FML

by Jon / 05/14/2012 at 5:46pm / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Money

Today, my husband and I went on vacation. We got lost and had to ask the locals for directions to our hotel. Neither of us could understand their accents, and we ended up wandering around blindly for hours until we made it back on our own. FML

by Anonymous / 05/05/2012 at 5:16pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Holidays

Today, I spent some of my pay on a birthday gift for my wife. She found out about the money going missing from our account, and now she thinks I'm having an affair. I work 24/7 and barely have time to see my friends, let alone have an affair. FML

by Anonymous / 05/04/2012 at 10:27pm / New Zealand (Wellington) / Love

Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML

by poo4brains / 04/28/2012 at 12:42am / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up for the third time in a row from a wet dream about my ex-girlfriend. I'm currently on my honeymoon. FML

by gordogs 25 / 04/04/2012 at 6:53am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Intimacy

Today, I was so excited to hear my phone get a message that I jumped out of my seat. It was the TV, advertising texting plans. FML

by Anon / 03/30/2012 at 1:10am / New Zealand / Miscellaneous

Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML

by George Saunders / 03/21/2012 at 12:06am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Kids

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

by Anonymous / 03/01/2012 at 11:37am / New Zealand / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML

by Pimpleeater / 12/20/2011 at 2:45am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Kids

Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML

by Oily / 12/16/2011 at 4:08am / New Zealand (Waikato) / Kids

Today, I overcame my fear of swimming in lakes and went for a swim. I got bitten by an eel. FML

by wayne / 12/07/2011 at 5:28am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss phoned me and asked me why I wasn't at work. I was in the staff room. I said hello to her as I came in the door. FML

by arthur / 11/19/2011 at 3:40am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work