FMLs submitted from New Zealand

Today, I learned that you can be so sleep deprived that you sleep through your alarm, a construction crew outside your house, and your bladder completely voiding itself. FML

by Anonymous / 09/14/2012 at 4:47pm / New Zealand (Otago) / Health

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by picture, during a game of Draw Something. FML

by wtf / 08/26/2012 at 1:03am / New Zealand (Southland) / Love

Today, my girlfriend told me she was over her addiction and wished to quit cold turkey. I cancelled all my plans to stay home and support her. She didn't mean her tobacco addiction, no no. Her corn chip addiction. FML

by Spockx / 08/06/2012 at 7:20am / New Zealand (Waikato) / Miscellaneous

Today, at the bank, my 8-year-old son decided to pull out realistic looking toy gun, and scream "FREEZE! Give me all your money!" The dim-witted bank teller pressed the silent alarm, and I was nearly arrested. FML

by great / 07/20/2012 at 6:20am / New Zealand (Waikato) / Kids

Today, I was trying to put some new curtains up. I couldn't make sense of the instructions, so I decided to wing it. I spent a frustrating half hour fighting with it, and just seconds after I succeeded, the curtain rod gave way and slammed straight onto my head. FML

by Anonymous / 06/29/2012 at 6:46pm / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a club with some friends. I ordered two drinks from the waitress and gave her a fifty. She never returned with the change, and the rest of the staff claimed they didn't know who I was talking about. FML

by Jon / 05/14/2012 at 5:46pm / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Money

Today, my husband and I went on vacation. We got lost and had to ask the locals for directions to our hotel. Neither of us could understand their accents, and we ended up wandering around blindly for hours until we made it back on our own. FML

by Anonymous / 05/05/2012 at 5:16pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Holidays

Today, I spent some of my pay on a birthday gift for my wife. She found out about the money going missing from our account, and now she thinks I'm having an affair. I work 24/7 and barely have time to see my friends, let alone have an affair. FML

by Anonymous / 05/04/2012 at 10:27pm / New Zealand (Wellington) / Love

Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML

by poo4brains / 04/28/2012 at 12:42am / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up for the third time in a row from a wet dream about my ex-girlfriend. I'm currently on my honeymoon. FML

by gordogs 25 / 04/04/2012 at 6:53am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Intimacy

Today, I was so excited to hear my phone get a message that I jumped out of my seat. It was the TV, advertising texting plans. FML

by Anon / 03/30/2012 at 1:10am / New Zealand / Miscellaneous

Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML

by George Saunders / 03/21/2012 at 12:06am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Kids

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

by Anonymous / 03/01/2012 at 11:37am / New Zealand / Miscellaneous