FMLs submitted from New Zealand

Today, someone drove into my car at an intersection and drove off. Luckily, I got the car's registration plate and called the cops on them. Turns out, it was my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend, who was illegally driving without a license. Now everyone's mad at me for getting her in trouble. FML

by Innocent / 08/18/2016 at 7:03pm / New Zealand / Transportation

Today, my untrained legs have been traumatised by the sudden regime of squats, mountain climbers and lunges I have been putting them through. I literally just have to trust-fall back onto the toilet and hope for the best, because my legs don't have the strength to support the gradual descent. FML

by SkipLegDay / 08/03/2016 at 4:48am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Health

Today, I missed my bus to the doctor's office for my scheduled pap test. I was so desperate, I called my deadbeat mom to ask for a ride. She said "Virgins don't need pap tests", laughed, then hung up on me. FML

by Jacqueline H'ghar / 07/30/2016 at 4:56am / New Zealand / Health

Today, my mom and I staged an intervention for my alcoholic dad. Within minutes he'd turned everything around on us, claiming we're in no position to judge him for drinking since we use "too much water" when we shower. Apparently that's on the same level as being an abusive alcoholic. FML

by Anonymous / 06/25/2016 at 9:51am / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm looking forward to my orthodontist's appointment more than I'm looking forward to my birthday. FML

by Ugh / 06/14/2016 at 4:41pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got excited because my husband will be away for 5 days, which means I'll be able to deep clean the house. FML

by KiwiMaid / 06/03/2016 at 6:31am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Miscellaneous

Today, after a long 16 hour shift, I was milliseconds from sleep when my girlfriend said she "wants to talk". I'm now writing this from the couch. FML

by halza / 05/30/2016 at 7:03am / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Love

Today, my boyfriend's mum begged me to stay with my boyfriend because she says I'm the only one who can actually get him through college and into a decent job. FML

by anony / 05/24/2016 at 8:57am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love

Today, I was performing in a play. One of my co-actors elbowed me right as I was taking a swig of my drink, causing me to fling cold tea into my face and all over the table. If that wasn't majestic enough, I had to keep acting in several more scenes with a wet tea stain in my crotch area. FML

by Grammer_Nazzi / 05/17/2016 at 9:11pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my father bought a pair of fancy noise cancelling headphones. He doesn't realise that the noise cancelling function only slightly muffles the moaning and screaming in the porn he's watching. FML

by Char-azard / 05/17/2016 at 5:03am / New Zealand (Hawke's Bay) / Miscellaneous

Today, some people in my class here in New Zealand found out that I'm from Canada, then spent the rest of the period asking if I had a pet moose and whether or not I lived in an igloo. They were completely genuine questions. FML

by nootnoot / 05/10/2016 at 2:33am / New Zealand (Gisborne) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband and his best mate got drunk and decided it would be a good idea to try hitchhike naked for a joke. Although no one was willing to pick up two naked 28 year old-men off the side of the main road, someone did call the cops. They are being held overnight. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2016 at 5:17am / New Zealand / Miscellaneous

Today, I seriously considered stepping in front of a car so that I could miss a few days of work. FML

by CANTTAKEMORE / 04/26/2016 at 6:24pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work