FMLs submitted from Germany

Today, it was my dad's retirement. He is traditional Japanese, so I had custom-ordered a samurai sword from a traditional Japanese blacksmith with dad's name engraved on the blade in kanji script. He loved it, right up til my drunk cousin tried to use it to cut down a tree and snapped it in two. FML

by Ryoichi / 09/17/2015 at 7:13am / Germany / Miscellaneous

Today, I heard my boyfriend telling a female friend that his ex was so gorgeous and out of his league that it made him feel inadequate, and so he now only dates within reach. She told him he's hot enough to have anyone he wants. 30 seconds later they were tongue-deep in each other's throat. FML

by Anonymous / 09/16/2015 at 7:25am / Germany (Hessen) / Love

Today, I agreed to stay a week with my wife's parents, who she told me were traditional Japanese. I was prepared for having to wear Japanese clothes while in the house, but I wasn't prepared for communal bathing in the same huge bath with her father, grandfather, uncle and two brothers. FML

by Alan / 09/02/2015 at 4:13pm / Germany / Miscellaneous

Today, I thought I'd locked my house keys in my locker at work. Not having any replacement nearby, I decided to cut the padlock with the saw of my pocket-knife. It took 20 minutes and four cuts into my hand to destroy the padlock. It took another five seconds to find the missing key in my jacket. FML

by Lockout / 08/31/2015 at 4:01pm / Germany (Schleswig-Holstein) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML

by Shelling Ford / 08/25/2015 at 7:55am / Germany (Bayern) / Love

Today, the professor I've had a crush on informed me that there's only one way left I could still pass his course. Thinking this was an attempt to flirt with me, I told him I'd do anything he could imagine. He then looked confused when he asked me to write an essay. FML

by notwhatithought / 08/21/2015 at 3:43pm / Germany (Bayern) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my boyfriend to go to the airport with me, to see me off for my three-month stay abroad. He said no because the two-hour drive is "too boring". FML

by Anonymous / 07/24/2015 at 7:58am / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Love

Today, I went down a water slide. Halfway through, I got stuck behind some kids who were blocking the tube. Seconds later, a big-boned lady crashed into my back. Her solution to break the blockade was to start kicking my back repeatedly as hard as she could. The kids still wouldn't move. FML

by ow my kidneys / 07/14/2015 at 6:33am / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend forgot to pick our son up from daycare. His excuse? Fighting in a battle in World of Warcraft was far more important and he had to stay absolutely focused. Our son had to wait for two hours. FML

by poor baby / 06/12/2015 at 12:51pm / Germany / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a package from Amazon. My mum smiled at me when I entered the living room, pointing to my package. She had already opened it and held back her smile. My penis pills for longer endurance just got delivered. FML

by Wrabel / 06/08/2015 at 12:00pm / Germany (Rheinland-Pfalz) / Intimacy

Today, my mom found my weed stash and went berserk, grounding me and saying she's going to have my bedroom door removed. Less than an hour later, I found her laughing and smoking the same stash with my dad in the backyard. FML

by lehonX9 / 06/06/2015 at 5:11am / Germany (Niedersachsen) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to write my own notice for enforced redundancy because my boss just went on a two week vacation. He told me to just forge his signature and that, if I wouldn't do it, he'd just make something up to dismiss me on codes of conduct. FML

Today, my aunt, whom I live with, told me she is going to move out and demanded her half of the rent back, as she only spent two days a week there. When I told her that's not how rent works, she called my mom to tell her what a failure she had raised. Her own sons are unemployed drug addicts. FML

by Failure / 05/22/2015 at 6:14pm / Germany (Sachsen-Anhalt) / Money