FMLs submitted from China

Today, I got a call from my long distance girlfriend. She's about a month pregnant. I haven't seen her in person for six months, but she still insists it's mine. I don't know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid. FML

by notthedad / 03/15/2011 at 11:50am / China / Love

Today, I was told that I was an idiot by a little girl because I didn't deliver a pizza to her house fast enough. FML

by deliveryboy / 03/05/2011 at 10:46am / China (Shanghai) / Work

Today, while at a party, a cute topless woman sat next to me to flirt with the guy on the other end of the couch. This is the closest I've been to a pair of boobs in 3 years. FML

by Username / 02/19/2011 at 2:57am / China / Intimacy

Today, I woke up to a repairman at my door who was simply supposed to turn my water back on in my apartment. Two hours and 5 repairmen later, all I have now is a large hole in my ceiling. Still no water. FML

by Anonymous / 02/10/2011 at 10:21pm / China / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was standing in the elevator with a few people I just met when I moved in yesterday, I felt something fall on my hair and dusted it off. It was a cockroach. None of them will come within a 1m distance to me now, because they all think I've got lice. Welcome to the building! FML

by idonthavelice / 02/28/2010 at 8:44am / China (Guangdong) / Miscellaneous

Today, while in the elevator with the girl from my office that I've been crushing on, but never spoken to, I said "aren't elevators awkward?" After a long silence, she got off three floors before our office. FML

by wilsmith / 02/01/2010 at 7:36am / China (Beijing) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was having a conversation with my girlfriend about having kids. We were outside a hotel in front of those rotating glass doors. One of my friends ran at me as a joke, screaming like a caveman. I freaked out in a high pitched squeal, and tried to run inside the hotel. I ran in the wrong way. FML

by Spac3Ghost / 12/28/2009 at 12:08pm / China (Beijing) / Miscellaneous

Today, I heard my newly divorced parents fighting about who gets to keep me. Neither of them want me. FML

by cc10 / 10/19/2009 at 7:50am / China (Beijing) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I was walking home, a friend passed me by on his moped, and sprayed a bunch of silly string at me. Unfortunately, he hit me in the eye, temporarily blinding me. As I stumbled around blind, I accidentally knocked a bunch of 3 year olds off their bikes, causing them to cry. FML

by sillystring / 10/13/2009 at 6:09am / China (Beijing) / Miscellaneous

Today, after 9 months in our relationship, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. We had incredible, mind-blowing sex. An hour later, he broke up with me because apparently "my orgasm face is ugly." FML

by misopower / 07/25/2009 at 2:50pm / China (Henan) / Intimacy

Today, I began my job volunteering at an orphanage in Beijing, China, working with 7-year-olds who just started learning english. We played a game where, if you got caught, you had to sing a song. I got caught, so I chose the ABCs. They all knew the song perfectly, I missed 3 letters. FML

by BigBallah93 / 07/07/2009 at 8:20am / China (Beijing) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to dissapoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower of my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML

by BigBallah93 / 07/05/2009 at 11:23am / China (Beijing) / Animals

Today, my crush came to my house to watch movies with me. We were sitting on the couch when he turned to me and said that he had had a dream about me the night before. I moved in to kiss him, thinking he liked me. He then added that I had fallen of a cliff and he had pissed himself laughing. FML

by Mojo_Jojo / 06/13/2009 at 7:01am / China (Beijing) / Love