FMLs submitted from Canada

Today, I just found my husband on Craigslist. He's working away from home, and he's looking to give a blowjob. FML

by Anonymous / 07/30/2015 at 3:29pm / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Intimacy

Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend threatened to cut my balls off if I didn't "just fucking cum already". FML

by fuck / 07/24/2015 at 12:44pm / Canada (Quebec) / Intimacy

Today, I was taking a piss at a urinal when a fly started harassing me. I got so annoyed, I tried to swat it. Didn't go too well. I ended up losing control of my stream, soaking the guy beside me. He busted my face in. FML

by Anonypiss / 07/22/2015 at 12:21pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, for some reason entirely beyond my knowledge, Siri referred to me as "Sugartits". FML

by anonymous / 07/19/2015 at 9:23pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on my first date in 6 months, to a Thai restaurant. We both got food poisoning and spent the entire evening alternately running to the bathroom while pretending that we were fine. FML

by padthaimeanoose / 07/18/2015 at 11:29pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, after an argument with my girlfriend, I tried to be dramatic by slamming my car door shut as hard as I could. Something broke and now it won't open. Now I have to climb through the passenger's side just to drive my car to work. FML

by MerryDeathmas / 07/18/2015 at 12:31am / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Transportation

Today, my crazy drug-addict mother kicked me out of the house after siding with my crazy, drug-addict aunt, who'd just threatened to slit my throat. FML

by Anonymous / 07/17/2015 at 6:24pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a surprise raise and a promotion at work. Hours after accepting, our company was raided by police on fraud charges. Due to my new managerial position, I had to get grilled by cops. I may not have a job at all next week. FML

by Anonymous / 07/16/2015 at 10:47am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML

by Anonymous / 07/15/2015 at 11:40am / Canada (Quebec) / Animals

Today, after nearly two months of working at my new job, one of my co-workers finally explained to me that the list of tasks that our boss gives me every day are actually HER duties, and as I complete them, she just sits in her office and watches Netflix. FML

by ineedaraise / 07/14/2015 at 9:04pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML

by Anonymous / 07/10/2015 at 9:23pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML

by Anonymous / 07/10/2015 at 3:54pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, my 4-year-old daughter slipped on ceramic tile and I had to take her to the ER for 5 stitches to her chin. When we got home, I promptly split her chin open again as I over enthusiastically re-enacted how she fell to my husband and accidentally clocked her square in the chin. FML

by clutzymama / 07/10/2015 at 12:27am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids