FMLs submitted from Canada

Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML

by RyanM / 02/13/2011 at 4:01am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, my son and I attended my mother's funeral. It was the first time he'd been to such an event, so to ease his grief and distract him, I turned on Max and Ruby when we got home. He quickly broke into tears; apparently, it was the episode where Max and Ruby prepare their grandma a special birthday gift. FML

by sadcartoons / 02/12/2011 at 1:57pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up at 11:11am. I was happy because I thought it was a sign that it was going to be a good day. I then realized that I was over an hour late for a job interview. FML

by notsolucky / 02/12/2011 at 10:01am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML

by anonymous / 02/12/2011 at 12:48am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that FedEx delivered my $700 package to the wrong person. The person who signed for it didn't even spell my name right. FML

by bob / 02/07/2011 at 1:52am / Canada (Alberta) / Money

Today, I cried harder than I have in years. I was babysitting, and watching Pokémon to pass the time. It was the episode where Ash, Dawn, and Brock on the show went their separate ways, and may never be together again. FML

by Anonymous / 02/05/2011 at 12:22pm / Canada (Ontario) / Geek

Today, I bought a pretty blue parakeet to keep my parrot company, and named her Sky. I went to work a few hours later. When I came home that night, I found my parrot dead. There wasn't a huge mess to clean, though; Sky had already eaten half of his corpse. FML

by omnomnom / 02/04/2011 at 7:29pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, I parked three streets away despite the ungodly cold. I did this because in the past, on my street, I have had my car keyed, my tires slashed, and my side view mirror ripped off. When I went back out to my car, I found that someone had broken off my windshield wipers. FML

by vikingunicorn / 02/03/2011 at 7:52am / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Transportation

Today, I drove a friend to the emergency room because he thought he had appendicitis. While sitting in the waiting room, I got puked on by a child. My friend's diagnosis? Gas. So he also farted all the way home. FML

by alephnull / 02/02/2011 at 4:07pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML

by yournick / 01/31/2011 at 4:23pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Intimacy

Today, while trying to act sober in front of my parents when I got home, I threw up on my mom's shoe. FML

by awkward drunk / 01/29/2011 at 7:40am / Canada (British Columbia) / Health

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend had been telling me for the past two weeks that he had something planned for the occasion. His plan? Me watching TV with his parents, who hate me, while he went to work. His gift? A brand new Xbox 360 for himself. FML

by Anonymous / 01/29/2011 at 6:55am / Canada (British Columbia) / Geek

Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML

by Poopie / 01/29/2011 at 1:06am / Canada (British Columbia) / Health