FMLs submitted from Canada

Today, while buying groceries, I noticed that the lady in front of me had left a box behind. I grabbed the box and ran out the door after her. After turning around to find three employees chasing me, I noticed I had just stolen the donation box. FML

by magicman / 04/26/2011 at 12:45am / Canada (British Columbia) / Money

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate and planning on having sex for the first time. I picked her up off the couch, and in so doing, accidentally lifted her too high, putting her head through the ceiling. She had a mild concussion. FML

by Ouch / 04/25/2011 at 3:31pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML

by bobo / 04/23/2011 at 9:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, I was listening to my son's teacher gossip about students whilst in the grocery store. I was thrilled when she described my son as "A model student". However, she then went on to say, "Which is surprising considering that his parents are trailer trash." FML

by kindgartin / 04/23/2011 at 5:26am / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Kids

Today, my mother and girlfriend were joking around and talking about the embarrassing things I've done. After they'd had a lengthly conversation, my girlfriend mentions "And he always farts during sex." FML

by Sadman / 04/23/2011 at 4:37am / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Intimacy

Today, the landlord of our building constructed a bathroom in the space under the stairs, outside my office, on the other side of a thin wall. He must have some kind of bowel disorder, because now I get to hear the sounds of his loud, wet and gassy pooping several times per day. FML

by op-poopy / 04/22/2011 at 10:26am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, it's been 5 years I've been working for a man that won't admit he has Tourette's. He sits at his desk, twitching his head and hissing like a snake. He's also randomly said things like 'nipples', 'Jessica Simpson', 'potato peeler', etc. I feel like it's become my job to warn new employees. FML

by ShakeRattleHiss / 04/20/2011 at 11:25am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I got a call from a girl I was seeing. She said that she was falling for someone else, but she still liked me and couldn't decide what to do. Being the romantic (idiot) I am, I told her that she should do what would make her happiest, thinking that she would pick me. She didn't. FML

by HFCS / 04/18/2011 at 12:53am / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich, when a homeless guy asked me for some spare change. I said I didn't have any. He offered an "erotic striptease" in exchange for my sandwich. I said no. He gave one anyway. I walked back to work on an empty stomach. FML

by :| / 04/15/2011 at 10:04pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML

by HWS / 04/15/2011 at 1:47am / Canada (British Columbia) / Health

Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML

by Anonymous / 04/14/2011 at 8:53pm / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, to impress my friends, I attempted to do a back flip. The only one impressed was the doctor who set my broken leg. FML

by fail / 04/14/2011 at 6:27pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, my high school guidance counselor tried to convince me NOT to go to college, mainly because it's been so long since someone from my high school went to college, that she got rid of all the college information she used to have. FML

by CollegeBoy / 04/13/2011 at 9:07am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous