FMLs submitted from Australia

Today, I was about to lose my virginity. I couldn't get it up. FML

by flopsy / 12/03/2010 at 11:19am / Australia / Intimacy

Today, while having sex on the couch with my single neighbour, a beam in the couch broke. Not even slightly fazed, she said, "It's okay, my husband can fix it." Husband? FML

by nickyboy / 12/02/2010 at 12:02pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Intimacy

Today, I was lying in bed listening to my neighbors have loud, and what sounded like, enjoyable sex. My boyfriend rolled over and said, "she sounds like fun" before rolling back over and going to sleep. It's been four months. FML

by unsatisfied / 11/29/2010 at 7:13am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend confessed that he felt so insecure he submerged my $80 vibrator in water to eliminate the competition. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2010 at 12:57am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, while babysitting, I brought over some colouring-in sheets as an activity. I said that I should bring some Christmas-themed ones for next time. The little girl then turned to me and said "If there is a next time." I've been put on probation by an 8-year-old. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2010 at 11:33am / Australia (Western Australia) / Kids

Today, I was feeling nauseous and my cat was comforting me. I breathed in through my nose, and my cat's fur caused me to sneeze. I sneezed so hard, I threw up out my nose. Nothing will get rid of the smell from within my nasal cavity. FML

by can't breathe / 11/22/2010 at 6:33am / Australia (Western Australia) / Health

Today, a middle-aged woman came into the shoe shop where I work, and asked me to help her put on a pair of boots that were obviously too small. Simultaneously as I knelt down by her feet, she booted me in the face while we tried to get them on. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2010 at 2:32am / Australia (Queensland) / Work

Today, my brand new iPhone 4 was stolen from my bag. I asked the bartender if anyone had handed it in. I soon found out that while I was talking to her, someone swiped my wallet from the bag too. FML

by misc / 11/20/2010 at 5:40am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally made out with my boyfriend. Let's just say his idea of making out is moving his tongue like a lizard. FML

by lorrilanee / 11/20/2010 at 1:20am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I was in a meeting and someone behind me sneezed really loudly. As they were doing so, I felt something cold land on my neck. FML

by race / 11/18/2010 at 3:37am / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, I was doing photography, and decided to climb onto the roof of a building to photograph the city. I dropped a square of chocolate over the edge just to appreciate the height. Apparently somebody saw me, I was arrested and am now being charged for trespassing and firing missiles. FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2010 at 11:46pm / Australia (Tasmania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was pulled over by the cops for a random breathalyzer test. They asked to see my license. I always keep my wallet in my car for situations like this. I received a $100 ticket because my mum apparently didn’t think it was a good idea to keep my wallet in the car. FML

by Anonymous / 11/16/2010 at 7:28am / Australia (New South Wales) / Transportation

Today, was my girlfriend's birthday. I planned it to perfection: we went shopping, bowling, had lunch in a nice Italian restaurant, watched a French comedy, walked by the river. She also got many presents. Tonight, I was exhausted but happy for her... until she told me her birthday is tomorrow. FML

by frenchboyfriend / 11/13/2010 at 7:28pm / Australia (Queensland) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.