FMLs submitted from Australia

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

by Tali / 07/28/2011 at 2:18am / Australia (Queensland) / Animals

Today, I was helping clean my grandpa's garage when I found some of his old election posters from the '50s. They included slogans such as, "Dick: you know it feels right" and "Want growth? Choose Dick." I'm not sure whether to be disgusted or impressed. FML

by Nick / 07/27/2011 at 1:32pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML

by ceetee / 07/26/2011 at 9:35am / Australia (New South Wales) / Transportation

Today, the police were canvassing my neighbourhood about a recent robbery. When I answered the door, my brother saw badges, panicked, and jumped out our apartment's third-storey window in an attempt to escape. He thought they were after him for using a bong two weeks ago. I'm related to this twit. FML

by Bec / 07/25/2011 at 10:10am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, my new mailbox key finally arrived. Not at the front door as I requested, but in the mailbox. FML

by MailMaster / 07/22/2011 at 12:20am / Australia (South Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my three-year-old daughter rushed in, excited about her new baby brother or sister. She was so excited, I didn't have the heart to tell her men can't have babies, and I just have a beer gut. FML

by Anonymous / 07/21/2011 at 7:46pm / Australia (South Australia) / Kids

Today, I was sitting waiting for my train for a long while. When it finally came, I had pins and needles in my foot. When I got up, I fell and unsuccessfully stumbled towards the train. The doors closed and it left without me. FML

by Anonymous / 07/21/2011 at 6:43am / Australia (Victoria) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina looks like an old man in a hat. It's OK though, he said it was a nice hat. FML

by growlr / 07/20/2011 at 5:17am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, after being in love with one of my best friends for ages, he took me on a date. We then went back to his place and we made love. Afterwards, he told me he wanted to show me something and led me outside. He ran back in and locked the door. It's a two hour walk home. FML

by Anonymous / 07/19/2011 at 7:04am / Australia / Intimacy

Today, my six year old son came up to me with his arms spread and said, "I feel like a hug." I got really excited and hopeful because he is very anti-social and hates physical contact. As soon as I stood up to hug him he said "Feeling's gone" and walked away. FML

by Rejected / 07/16/2011 at 9:28am / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, I took my 16 year-old daughter to get a bank account, taking her birth certificate with us as requested. When the teller wrote her name down on a piece of paper, my daughter said "How do you know my name?" The teller just looked at her and held up her birth certificate. I raised a nitwit. FML

by Mothering / 07/11/2011 at 5:25am / Australia (Queensland) / Kids

Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, "Suck on this Darren". Darren is my next door neighbor. FML

by Anonymous / 07/11/2011 at 3:42am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter announced on Facebook that she is directly descended from extra-terrestrials. That would be okay - except she's 25 and believes it's true. FML

by MotherofET / 07/11/2011 at 12:23am / Australia (Queensland) / Kids