FMLs submitted from Australia

Today, I was in a café when a construction worker asked to borrow a pen. The only pen I had on me was my brand new Parker, which I reluctantly loaned him. As he was writing, he stopped to think, and happily chewed on the end of the pen, which he later returned to me, glistening in saliva. FML

by BowlofCherries / 05/21/2012 at 10:48pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I thought I felt my baby kicking for the first time. After excitedly exclaiming this fact to the few people around me, I involuntarily let out the loudest fart. Not the baby kicking, just gas. FML

by GothicAngel17 / 05/19/2012 at 7:05am / Australia (Queensland) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was really stressed, so I tried to let it out by crying. It lasted about 30 seconds, and I was making fun of myself the whole time. Even my subconscious thinks I'm pathetic. FML

by Username / 05/17/2012 at 10:37am / Australia / Health

Today, whilst working in a pharmacy, I was given the pleasure of listening to an old lady share the details of what she sticks up her vagina. FML

by uni life / 05/15/2012 at 4:08am / Australia (Western Australia) / Intimacy

Today, after applying for a promotion to a position which I've been working my ass off for two years to get, my managers thought it would be appropriate to discuss other applicants in front of me, even asking me to compare my resume with theirs to see the "caliber" of what I'm up against. FML

by Anonymous / 05/14/2012 at 6:39am / Australia / Work

Today, I noticed my nephew has blue eyes, freckles and dimples which don't run in my family or my sister's husband's family, but they do run in my husband's family. FML

by Damn / 05/06/2012 at 9:53am / Australia / Miscellaneous

Today, feeling desperate, I asked my dad for advice on how to get a girl. He asked me why I want to even date. I panicked and said I just wanted to make someone happy. He told me that if I wanted to make someone happy, I should "just start by getting a goddamn vasectomy". FML

by AnonymousUser / 05/04/2012 at 8:01pm / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, I finally found out what the horrible smell at work was. A rat had decided to make its home in our emergency exit sign and had been fried by the electricity. I now have to fix this. Hello scorched dead rat. FML

by Anonymous / 05/03/2012 at 5:17pm / Australia (Queensland) / Work

Today, I called my mum, crying because of my low self-esteem. She interrupted my sobs by saying, "Can I hang up now? The phone's getting hot." FML

by Anonymous / 05/03/2012 at 7:37am / Australia / Kids

Today, I was trying to sneak home from a party. Instead, I head-butted a glass door and woke my mother up. FML

by BoomHeadshot / 05/01/2012 at 10:27pm / Australia / Miscellaneous

Today, I faked my age to win a colouring competition. I just turned 19. FML

by Anonymous / 05/01/2012 at 4:24am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was looking through my roommate's room trying to find a DVD, when I stumbled upon a bundle of pictures of me showering and sleeping. FML

Today, I found out why my girlfriend comes over for dinner so often. She thinks my dad is a real babe. FML

by jack / 04/22/2012 at 10:43pm / Australia (Victoria) / Love