FMLs submitted from Australia

Today, an unknown number left me a lengthy voicemail of what sounds like two people having sex. This is the closest I've gotten to real-life sex in 2 years. I listened to it three times. FML

by anonymous / 09/05/2012 at 12:44am / Australia / Intimacy

Today, I was walking down the street when I had a coughing fit. The next thing I know I'm being pushed about by a group of guys who were smoking, because they thought I was coughing deliberately to send them a message about smoking being bad. FML

by Tyler / 09/03/2012 at 5:37am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in a terrific mood after finding a bouquet of beautiful flowers on my doorstep when I came home. That is, until I recognised the handwriting of my "secret admirer" was the same as my mother's. FML

by mfnfhdjdjddjsjfn / 09/03/2012 at 4:39am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching TV and there were penguins laying eggs. He said, "Penguins are mammals, they don't lay eggs." I replied, "Penguins are birds." We fought about it for ages until he realised that I was right, and has since stopped talking to me. FML

by difference between birds and mammals. / 09/02/2012 at 8:10pm / Australia / Animals

Today, the girl I went on an awkward date with two weeks ago showed up at university and started smashing my car with a bat. She then broke down in tears and alternated between declaring her love, and cussing me out for "cheating" on her. FML

by Anonymous / 08/31/2012 at 8:49pm / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, I had a planned 12-hour power cut for maintenance work, which I'd forgot all about. In need of a shower before work, I spent 45 minutes boiling pots of water on the stove to take a lukewarm, 6-inch deep bath, before realizing my water heater runs on natural gas and was working fine. FML

by Powerless / 08/30/2012 at 2:05am / Australia / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a call from my future sister in-law, telling me that she and her future husband had decided to hold their wedding ceremony on my birthday. I was told not to celebrate my birthday, as it would "take away the attention to the true meaning of the day." FML

by SuzyTurquoiseBlu / 08/29/2012 at 1:32am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I wore an expensive vintage blazer which I'd purchased at a market in Paris. Turns out my colleague has the exact same one, only hers is from a clearance rack at Target. FML

by arh / 08/27/2012 at 8:10pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend and I reconciled after having a huge fight last week. We went out drinking, and things got pretty intense, so we went back to my place. We made it to the bedroom, but somewhere between her taking off my shirt and me taking off her pants, we both passed out. FML

by unfucked / 08/26/2012 at 7:18pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, my dog head-butted me in the mouth so hard that my lip split open. Twenty minutes later, I unthinkingly sprayed perfume directly into the wound. FML

by g'day cunt / 08/26/2012 at 2:27pm / Australia (South Australia) / Animals

Today, after getting home from a twelve-hour shift at work, I got into bed and passed out. My mother soon woke me up, screaming that she could tell I was "fake sleeping" and ignoring her lecture on how I need to stop being so "lazy". FML

by ipayyourbillsgorramit / 08/24/2012 at 7:29pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my girlfriend is only with me because I'm a mechanic and I fix her constantly broken-down car for free. FML

by hustled / 08/23/2012 at 8:05pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, the man who tried to mug me sent me a friend request on Facebook. FML

by Anonymous / 08/22/2012 at 2:01am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous